This Feels Awkward

If I had known it was going to be the best day of my life, I would have gotten out of bed a little earlier.  I awoke with distaste for my life and just wanted to sleep in.  My gorgeous lover was in my face showing me pictures of a beach he found on the gulf coast.  “Look baby! It is rated one of the top ten beaches in the world.”  I opened one eye.  There are few things that can get me out of bed on a morning like this and a beach is one of them.  “Really?”  I said, sitting up.  “Look.” He places the computer in front of my face. The pictures are breathtaking.  White sand, quartz no less, with sea green and turquoise water.  “Can we go here?  Let’s go here!”  “Yes,” he says with that smile, “but you got to get your butt out of bed!!  Okay.  I swing the covers back, and sit up.

Recalling that now, there is a dull ache in my heart.  It is a great cliché, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have embraced that day with much more gusto.  More heart.  Today, I am alone.  This is a usual occurrence, seems I have lived a bit of a lonely life.  I am thirty-two years old and am waking up to the fact that I am a powerful human being, God herself, and I create my life.

Today, I may turn on ACIM video again just to rub it in a little more.  The way I got into this mess was a lot of repetition of the story called, “I am alone.” And, “Nobody loves me.” So, I counteract that programming with a lot of audio re-enforcement via the Internet or books on tape.

It has been six days since we have spoken.  I am feeling the pull on my heart but have a deeper resolve this time than ever before.  He is my crack.  He is worse than crack.  Memories come flooding in so often now I have to talk to myself, “Let your mind let it go.”  Not all days are this way, it is a mystery to me as to why, but some days I wake with strong conviction and deep inner strength.  Today is not one of those days.

I might see him tonight.  Maybe that is why I am on edge.  It will stir in me a variety of possible emotions and by now I know them well.  Sadness, anger, jealousy.  We will have an awkward encounter, he’ll hug me and I’ll want it more than anything else, but won’t allow myself to surrender.  I will pull away first and say goodbye and we will part with a sadness lingering in the air so thick all will be able to taste it.  It is his damn fault.  It’s my own damn fault too. Oh, it’s no one’s fault.

The first time I ever laid eyes on him was my 31^st birthday.  He was wearing a red shirt and an “om” ring (visit here to know about the mood ring color meanings) and his bearded face was so incredibly sexy to me that I could hardly contain myself.  We were in a program for men, he a participant and I was a woman facilitator.  Ours was a forbidden love affair, we were not to date given our roles in this program for at least 3 months.

He came and sat in front of me.  We were doing an exercise with the purpose of just being with one another.  My eyes scanned his face, lingering on his sweet eyes, his manly beard, his full lips.  Then, we were to be vulnerable, and share something we were noticing, so I said, “I am attracted to you.”

I did not see him again for almost two months.  My friend Veronica and I traveled to a festival to celebrate the Mayan day out of time.  He was there.

A woman walks in to the coffee house where I am sitting and I am jerked out of my memory.  This is good, right? I think to myself.  It is good that I am taking time away from him, maybe it is the only way to really end our old way of relating and leave space for a new connection to be born between us.  It will get easier.  It must.

Our fourth time together.  Second date.  I’m meeting him at his house and I have on my black dress, I am all done up feeling sexy and so excited.  He is taking me to dinner then escorting me to a party, an art opening, with some mutual friends of ours.  I am thrilled.  Throughout dinner I am unsure if I like him.  I am feeling a little rigid.  Half a bottle of wine later, I am loosened up.  We head to the party and as we get out it’s I raining.  It is a warm summer night, late July, and he reaches for my hand.  I take his and we begin to run in the pelting rain and I find it stimulating, invigorating, enlivening.  We arrive and he pays my way and buys me drink.  I love being taken care of and this gesture relaxes me.  Yay! I have a date.

The music is awesome and I am lulled quickly to the dance floor.  Spinning, twirling, friendly faces, great art.  We lose each other in the sea of people.

Outside, I see him standing with a group of people talking.  He wants to introduce me, he is excited and enjoying introducing me to all sorts of new people.  I feel special and giddy.  We separate for a bit and then I am back outside and he turns around and smiles at me.  I am his special girl and I know it.  All these people here, and he wants me.  I love it.  From time to time he comes to be with me, to show me off and introduce me, and at other times we are apart and he is socializing solo.  I like this, speaks to his independence.  Everything about him is attractive and I am in heaven.

That day, one of the best of my life, that beach, Siesta key, we stayed in the warm ocean waters for a full eight hours.  As Ekhart Tolle says, “Die to the past at every moment.” So to that, to all that transpired between us, I die to it. Here and now. Again. And I will keep dying to it, over and over…or, I will use it for blog posts. 

Note to Reader: This is an old piece of writing and in no way reflects my current state of mind.   Years ago, yes. Today, no. Still love that beach, though.