Alone

I’m in a relationship. I’ve never felt so alone. The good news is, we are seeing a therapist. The bad news is, she is not always here to keep us in line. Old habits die-hard.

My love does not work now, either. He left his forty-hour-a-week job in a cubicle, cashed in his retirement, and followed his heart. Now he is volunteering four days a week, full-time, at a yoga studio.

My first week home from my job was hard for us. Part of me expected he would be there for me and we would enjoy our mutual freedom and take advantage of the end of summer and head off into the hills for our first ever camping trip. Or head south to hot springs. Or go on regular hikes.

No. Nothing. I got nothing. In fact, the way it’s been lately, he heads off M-Th all day, then he needs time alone, so he heads off to the hills to hike alone, then we’re on different schedules so I eat alone, then I see him in time for evening, maybe. He’s tired. He’s had a long day. I’m pissed. Repeat.

I have pleaded for time together in nature. One perk of relationship is that you have a companion to spend quality time with. Since we moved in, we share chores. And that’s about it.

Today, I got up, he was meditating. I left, we didn’t talk or check in and I went to dance class. When it was done, I called him to see if he wanted to hike, get out, be in this beautiful, cooler, fall-type weather we are having. This crisp, 80 degree day, full of blue sky was exciting to me. He was already out. Already made plans. Busy. “Hey,” he said, “we spent time together yesterday.”

Yesterday, he and I just both happened to be home. Then I wanted to go write at a coffee shop and he chose to join me and then we sat at separate tables. Then we had dinner together, that was nice, and proceeded to go home, write separately in different rooms, and then we joined up for some T.V. watching.

That was spending time together. We live together, so spending time around one another is not hard. Quality, planned, mutual fun, that is proving to be elusive.

Maybe I expect too much?  I like attention. I like to be included. I like to be invited. Today, he’s out at the Farmer’s Market meeting up with friends and I am just not invited.  That just sucks.

I’m going to take myself out on a date. Though my heart hurts and I am sad and I don’t really want to go hike it alone today, I guess I will.

P.S. This weekend is our one year anniversary.

I hope you enjoy this beautiful day.

All my love,

Rachel Claire