Denial, Disbelief, Numbness.

Hello Dear One,

It has been one week since I turned in my resignation form to my boss to pursue my heart’s desire. It has been an emotional week. I still feel like it is a bit of a dream. It’s been many years since I have had this much freedom. I am face to face with a whole lotta time.

For the first few days, I awoke each morning only to open my eyes and remember what I had done. I felt depressed. I had trouble falling asleep and then I stayed in bed later. I pulled the covers over my head when my lover came to check on me. I said, “I quit my job, ” then rolled over in defeat. I felt alone on this journey. No one else could fully understand me, just like no one else could make the choice for me, nor offer consolation in my confused wavering.

As I looked out upon the false future my ego was creating, I saw endless days of me having no reason to get out of bed. I panicked. I searched the internet for jobs. I had a job. I already had a career, a long time in the making! I don’t want another job! I called my Education Association Union President and asked him if I could revoke my resignation. I started to apply for another job in my district. The one I just resigned from. I was confused. I felt desperate. I lashed out in anger at the people closest to me. I became unhappy with everything. I ate more ice-cream. I drank more coffee. I surfed the internet for way too long. I cried. I meditated. Nothing felt good. I went to my acupuncturist and cried in her office as she acknowledged, for me, that I was grieving. I was in the grief process and it was perfectly normal. Stage one: denial, disbelief, numbness.

Grief. I knew there might be an unplugging of sorts, but I did not realize the degree to which I would grieve. So much of my identity, my purpose, my confidence, came from being a teacher, but way more than that, was that so much of my time was taken up by being a teacher, and now, I am facing wide-open space. The ego always wants to go the safe and predictable route. Now, there is no route.

All of this points to more self connection, and that can be a scary thing. Many of us are so busy with our energy outwardly directed, working, volunteering, taking care of children, spending time with friends, that when we have no ground, when we have a lot of space, what do we do? What happens when we take all that energy and direct it inward?

I know one thing for sure, we begin to feel our emotions.

So, in recognizing that I was in the grief process, and that I would be feeling a lot of mixed emotions, and that this too shall pass, I began to feel a bit better.

I realized that if I am to make it through this journey in a fully healthy way, I need to dance and I need to stay connected to why I did this. So, I am dancing, and I am seeking out people who are up to what I am up to. Empowerment. Success. Prosperity. Truth. Health. Wellness. Joy. Connection to self and others.