I went to the Metaphysical Fair this weekend in Denver. I wandered around, offered the healing modality, Bars, at Access Consciousness, and only selected one other offering to receive and pay for.
I found myself at the “Spirit, Dream & Destiny” booth which was offering “Dream Interpretation.”
I went in expecting to hear some psychological interpretation of a dream I’ve had repeatedly over the years.
In the dream, I am in a big house. The King and his men are coming for me. I am rushing around, closing up windows, looking for locks, barring doors, feeling afraid.
I anticipated the two men who formed a triad with me would tell me something about how I needed to protect myself, how I had loose boundaries, or needed to do better at setting my space & energy.
Instead, they shared some insights and asked me a question.
Rachel, we think that this house represents you. When did you decide that you were alone, that you were the one in charge who had to protect yourself?
Rachel, they said, “Why don’t you ask right now and see what you get.”
I did. With eyes closed, hand on my heart, I asked, When did I learn that I was the one who had to manage, control & care for myself?
Immediately, I knew that my father’s leaving when I was two, was the defining incident that had the child of my heart decide that she was alone, unloved, and in charge.
With voice trembling and tears streaming down my face, in a small, covered tent, in the middle of a fair, I revealed my deepest wound.
I said, “When my father left when I was two and he never came back.”
I covered my mouth as I burst into tears.
They offered me presence, their eyes meeting mine, nodding in compassion.
I felt shame. Shame at my weakness, vulnerability. Shame that at 35 years of age, I am still hurting at my father’s leaving.
Then, they asked me if there was something else that I thought might be in control, something else that could take over & provide & protect me?
I asked the question of Spirit.
I received the answer that yes, my creator. God.
Then they asked me if I am an extension of God, is there anything that could go against God? Is there anything God would have to fear?
No was my answer.
They asked me what the child of my heart might have said way back when, at two, three, four, alone without her father, what did she say and think about herself?
I know this one well. She thought she was unloved. Unworthy of love, attention, affection. Unlovable.
They asked me if I believed that to be true now.
No, I said. No.
They said, we believe we can go back, that for the child of your heart, in the realm of dreams & spirit, we can go back to that time & place.
Would you be willing, Rachel, to release your little girl, and let her know that she no longer needs to protect your heart?
Yes, I said. I closed my eyes, put my hand on my heart & said, “Child of my heart, you are free, you no longer need to protect my heart.”
Rachel, one of them said, “If the child of your heart is free, who could come in, who would you like to welcome in to your heart?”
My eyes glanced around the tent, where had I wandered into? This isn’t a Jehova’s Witness tent, is it?
I looked back to the other two men, present, loving, offering me a healing for no money at all.
The space they had created was a safe one, one of a tight container, one in which He was there.
Now, let me stop right now.
I have never been a religious person. Spiritual, yes. Religious, NO WAY.
The idea of saying, “He” has always turned me off. What about SHE my inner Goddess would rage!?
Yet, in this moment, in this space of love, healing & the realization that perhaps in my very early wounding, I had denounced my creator, cast him out of my heart, thought that He had abandoned me and I was alone & in charge, I felt very soothed to rest in the arms of another, to hand over my efforting & control & to have faith that perhaps I really am a chid of God.
They said, “Rachel, is it possible that the King of your dream is the King of all? The creator?
Is it possible that the people coming for you in your dream are not meant to hurt you, but that your Creator has been reaching out to you, wanting to be let into your heart?
What if the King was let in? What if you didn’t have to board up the windows? What if the house is you, and the King wants to have a relationship with you?
I was crying, sobbing, really.
The realization sifting into my mind & heart. What if I have been protecting myself all these years, hurt & heartbroken? What if I have been keeping love out & me locked in? What if my creator is speaking to me through my dreams, messages, loving & benevolent, trying to have a relationship with me & I have been guarded, hiding?
Rachel, what if you could leave the windows open, let the light in, and allow the King to come and take up residence in your house?
Rachel, if you live in the King’s house, do you know what that makes you?
What? I asked through my tears.
You are a princess, the daughter of the King.
To this woman, left long ago by her father, the feeling (vs. the idea) idea that I had a Father, a Creator, a King who wanted to love me, care for me and who could be in charge of my life, felt soothing, healing, peaceful.
For the first time in my life, I realized that I had cast my Creator out of my heart long ago.
I realized that I had been playing it safe by believe in “Spirit.” I’d made it a “spirit out there.” Somehow separate from me.
Rachel, they said, we believe God wants to bless you today, a space as been made in your heart and we believe God wants to rush in and fill that space. Could you ask, God, what gifts do you have for me today?
I closed my eyes again and asked of my Creator, my Father, What gifts do you have to offer me?
I received a blessing, a prayer and healing from my friends, as they spoke soothing words over me, touching my heart as I cried.
They blessed me with wholeness, peace, treasures from my King.
And I do believe, for the first time in my life, I opened my heart to God, for the Creator of all, to come and take up residency in the center of my heart.