As the leaves continue to brighten in their color, or lessen, and find their way to the earth, my heart releases fragments and pieces of the past that no longer serve the dream of my future.
It is a scary thing, to stand at death’s door, and know that it is not just an ending, but a passageway to new birth.
There is a part of me that is viewing this Autumn with a beginner’s mind. I know I’ve lived through thirty-four Autumn’s (at least) and thousands of smaller changes, yet it feels like the first time. I notice fear in my heart, for the coming cold, the dark, the distant sun. I fear that I will be sad. Lonely. Cold.
Have I not surrendered into the darkness before? Have I not so rejoiced in the sprouting spring, delighted and tickled by the energy of the new, only because I surrendered so to winter’s slumber?
It is more than the season. It is the heart-break of all that has not come to fruition that I had hoped. It is the grief of yet another lover lost. It is the letting go of the tender seeds of the past, planted and watered with care, that dried up and died in the summer’s sun. The harvest was reaped, yet some was lost.
It is the solo dance of nurturing seeds in my heart and trusting in the unknown. Even though it feels scary and hard and painful and part of me doubts, there is the other, stronger, fuller part of me, who knows that I am only making space for the new.
So much to celebrate and be grateful for. So much eagerness to find evidence of birthing the big, big dreams.
Loss of Habits:
These days all I can do is sleep, move my body, scrub my skin to exfoliate, lather myself in oil and luxurious baths, and eat. I eat more than ever, three full meals a day, full of fall’s harvest. Yummy squash, hardy Kale, thickening my bones and blood for winter. I have been in a cooking and nutrition class for five weeks now, and my body has lost all of its normal, comfort, go-to foods. I am off of dairy, gluten, corn, white sugar, caffeine, chocolate, and soy. Navigating autumn, with a tender heart fresh from lost love and not having the foods I would normally satiate myself with leaves me with nothing more to do than feel all of it, fully.
With the looming shift of 2012 on the horizon too, I must admit that I am in a place of wonder and awe and reckoning with the part of me that is eternal.
I once hated to think that I was an eternal being, for that meant my suffering had no end.
Older and wiser now, with spiritual awakening, I know that I am held in the heart of God. I am God. I know and trust evermore that I am safe, held and protected and that any fear is simply the resistance to feeling the purity of my heart, my essence, my God Self. On my way back to oneness, non-duality, expansion and responsibility for creation, I awaken with a pulsating, red heart, cradled by the one verse.
There is so much information about what this coming shift could be. From nothing at all, to a mass awakening, lightening up in our bodies and ascending to the 5th dimension. I wait with deep, full breaths to behold a shift I have read about and studied and heard of for the last fifteen years. Or, to simply see it is a furthering evolution of consciousness without a big to do.
I am one who believes we are spirit. I believe that our ascension to a higher dimension is possible. Science has proven there to be multiple dimensions. I need science not, though, for in truth, my cells tell me what’s true. Other life forms in this vast existence, layers of the unseen, waves of light with influence beyond our knowing, I am a vessel of openness to all that is. I cringe not from radical expressions of possible ways we could shift and change as beings of light, fed by the sun.
This grand life is a miracle. The fact that anything exists at all stops me in my tracks. I can’t ever assume to know. I can only stare in humble and profound awe.
And dance to the rhythm of my red, red heart.
In love, and joy, and ever-awakening and expanding consciousness,