Tired of my lists and pushing myself, I leaned into this day with pure play.
Then, I got in my car and happily took care of the errands I’d been putting off for weeks. (months?)
In finally allowing myself full permission not to have to do, I wanted to do, for me, to complete what had been incomplete, so I could free up that space.
Good learning for me today, that when I make something a list, or a chore, I will resist it, but if I have permission to choose or not, I don’t mind getting it done.
So, off to Longmont I drove, to cash in my 403B and get a few extra thousand dollars. Why not, right? I am not waiting for someday.
Since I was in my old stomping ground, I felt called to head to my old school.
I yearned to see it and break the energetic bubble, one I had placed perhaps out of some type of resistance.
I cried on the way, thinking of what I might say if I came face to face with my old boss.
As I entered the school, I saw the secretary who I loved dearly and was remiss that I’d not said goodbye. I hugged her tight, told her she’d been in my thoughts. It felt so good to connect and complete.
Inside, I peeked in the window of my boss’ office. She was in a meeting. I went down the hall and found my old teammate, the best guy to collaborate with ever. Guitar lying open on the table, there he sat. We connected, shared, laughed.
It was great to be in a place that had haunted me for so many months. A place that once was a second home which now seemed an island on the other side of a burnt bridge.
I visited my old room and had my fears allayed. Much of what I’d set out in the hall to give away or trash or donate had been scrounged up by old friends, and there I was, years of me creating classroom environments lived on, as I was still responsible for the decor of that space. They’d saved my posters and hung them for all to see.
Relief that we do contribute, and even once we break some ties and declare our resignation, our spirits inhabit the spaces and places we’ve touched. It’s impossible for us to not contribute, like ripples in the water, we do spread on.
I suppose I’d feared that maybe I wouldn’t be missed. That when we turn to take a different road and leave behind those we’ve loved and cared for, that we’ve lost something, somehow.
Today, I am reminded that is not true. The power of our spirits, our light, our energy, swims on, ever up-ward, like the salmon returning to spawn, we make our way home, and those on our path are always with us, and ever affected, for how could they not be? We are tethered together, one family, one soul, learning our lessons and weaving an infinitely rich tapestry of connectedness.
Fear not, the loss of love, for love only ever expands. We need only open our eyes to the glory of its radiant light, and receive the shower. Let it rip open your heart space, and yank out its edges, so you know the truth of your capacity to endure.
When I close my eyes, I see the heart strings, like spider webs, connecting me to all those I love.