I’ve drunk of truth serum. I am going to tell you what most women won’t tell you. I am going to share what my sisters and I talk about when men aren’t around. I am going to shine the light on what we call an “epidemic.”
Successful, powerful women are seeking companions
I hang with friends, who I call sisters, and they are all powerful, wise, playful, creative, brilliant women. Many of us are not married. We aren’t even in long-term successful relationships.
The conversation amongst us often goes like this: Where are the available guys? What is this push-pull dynamic? Why can’t we find men who can step up and show up? Where is their power?
We find comfort in knowing it is not just happening with one of us, but seems to be happening for all of us.
We say that men have the Peter Pan syndrome. We laugh from our pain that guys our age often say, “I feel like you want something from me.”
We fall in love with them and chase them around because they are talented, creative, fun, sexy, present, deep, wise.
Yet, as soon as we swoon and begin to open our hearts, we get met with the classic, “I don’t want a relationship.” Or, “I don’t want anything serious.”
Women want you to proclaim, protect, and provide
Here is the secret: women want the three P’s. Proclaim, protect, provide. We want you to proclaim your love for us. Declare your love. Mark your territory. Yes, we want that. It’s sexy.
Instead, we get men who say, “I am not that interested in you.” Or, “Let’s have an open relationship, I’ll be with you, and anyone else I want and as long as I don’t perceive you to need or want anything from me, we’ll be great.”
We desire to feel your power and your passion and receive the proclamation that we are your girl. And, we’d love to actually have it be okay if we did need something from you. Needy is so out that it’s back in. (click to tweet)
Turns out, we rely on each other. We do. And it feels good.
After that, we want to feel protected. We want you to support us, walk along side us, be our companion, partner. Protection can look so many different ways.
Have you ever asked your girlfriend, lover, beloved, playmate, “What does support look like for you?”
What happened to courting?
I love when a man asks me on a date. He plans it, chooses the restaurant, pays for the meal, drives me home, opens doors, walks me to my door, and kisses me goodnight. Courting is a dance, a delightful, pleasurable art that can unfold into a fan of creative passion and play if only one can initiate. In today’s world, even the concept of an AI girlfriend can reflect this yearning for thoughtful connection, showing that the essence of romance lies in the small, meaningful gestures. Truthfully, we can ruin a relationship by skipping this slow courting dance and rushing into physical intimacy before we’ve nurtured our hearts.
Finally, we want you to provide. This is where I think it gets scary for men and why they shy away from any responsibility towards a woman. I imagine it must be scary to grow up in a world where you are expected to be so powerful, strong, capable, to provide, to be successful, and driven.
Yet, the truth is, you can provide for women inside of the container that is the modern day. Modern-day women earn income, money, resources, have friends, communities, practices. We don’t need you to provide everything. What’s so scary?
The way we want you to provide is through love, compassion, listening, support, occasionally taking us out, treating us to a nice dinner, surprising us with tickets to our favorite ballet, or a weekend get away to healing waters. Oh, and flowers, don’t forget flowers. Or, not even. Some women don’t even want that, but do you know what she wants? Have you asked her?
Men, show UP!
We want you to show up. Stay in the scary places, push ever in, go to the depths, take a ride, enjoy the journey!
We’ll be your companions and co creators. We are living with our eyes wide-open. We don’t expect happily ever after.
We are children of the baby boomers and hippies of the sixties, our mothers burned their bras and broke us out of the bondage of the fifties house wife.
Get in the game and be willing to be burned by the fire, all that happens is you grow, learn, die to the old and rise like the phoenix, to meet the new.
Relationship is where growth happens. It is the rub of the pearl that makes it shine.
So what if we want something from you? Who cares? What will happen?
We are not your mothers, we won’t engulf you and eat you alive. Neither will we abandon you and leave you to die. It’s time to heal that wound, and the best way, is through the powerful initiation of a woman.
The truth is that you are afraid you will lose yourself, lose all control, be taken over.
Surrender to the nectar of that scare that turns to sweet honey bliss. You know you want to. And if you can’t surrender, get help! See a therapist regularly and work out your issues before you chase your life away.
Notice, do you fear a relationship? Do you feel a conscious fear of intimacy? (And have an unconscious fear of abandonment?) Do you want to be in an open relationships with no agreements? Do you proclaim your affections for the women you desire?
Are you currently pursuing someone who is unavailable, either because they live far away, do not want you, or are involved with someone else? Is this a way you protect yourself and avoid relating deeply with others?
No, this isn’t all men. Yes, it is a trend among the thirty something people I hang with.
The women want to know, men, when are you going to choose to show up and grow up?
Perfect!! So true! Thanks for posting this! (all those exclamation marks show how much I love and agree….whole-heartedly!!)!!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your enthusiasm! 🙂
whoa!! Thank you for opening the truth cavern. I am finding myself in the shocking position of having a man in my life that does all these things that I want and need, and feeling scared by it all! Pushing it away?? What am I crazy?? I must have the Peter Pan Syndrome for women.
Hi Jessica! Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment and sharing your heart! Yay! Good for you, yes, you have opened yourself to what you want and done the work to receive the love you deserve and desire. Yes, the opposite of the Peter Pan Syndrome is the Wendy Syndrome! Stay tuned for my post tomorrow for women! 🙂 Sometimes we chase men we can’t have or who don’t want us to avoid really owning that we are the ones not showing up, so we all get to learn and release old patterns and choose newly in every moment! xo
Well written! Here’s a glimpse a little further down the rabbit hole….
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puer_aeternus
Thank you for sharing this article! I like it! 🙂 Yes, it is a rabbit hole, isn’t it? I like rabbit holes. And cans of worms. 😉
Thank you for this, Rachel. I have to say that this piece of writing has really made me appreciate my man. He has all of those qualities that you listed… the three P’s. And, I, on the other hand, am like the men you describe. I have been so afraid of commitment and neediness ( because my needs weren’t met as a child). And, I have suffered, chasing after those men that could never really help me heal.
While my man may exhibit neediness at times, that is something that we both get to work with and grow from. We have been through a battleground of conflicting habituation and patterning…each opened wound triggering the others wound. But, something I am finally beginning to understand and love about my man is that he has really good boundaries. Something I was never taught. And, being with someone who actually has boundaries is teaching me what my boundaries are. I struggle against this at times…wanting to be “free” and unattached. But, the growth and the love that are emerging from the concrete walls around my heart because of staying with someone that is willing to do the work of healing, is so beautiful. I wouldn’t trade it for our sub-cultures trend of non-commitment and whatever spiritually bypassing ideals would promise to offer.
I think there would be more men willing to do the work if more women stood up to do the work with them. It seems we never want the ones who want us…that is our work. To let in the love that is aching to get in.
wow, Malaine. Thank you for sharing all of this so honestly and openly. I totally hear you and get it. Yes, it’s true. Sometimes women play the role of avoider. A great book I love distinguishes that we are often in relationships where one is the avoider. Yes, we women have to do our work too, and be open to receiving the men (or women) who want us. And then stay with it. 🙂 I love you so much. I so relate to your share. xo
Oh Malaine, of course it’s you. Your words have opened my eyes. I have finally found that in which I have been seeking and it is so scary. I am nit picking and trying to find anything I can that is “wrong” with him so I can run away. Thanks for your words. They have helped me see that he is in my life to do the work with me. I am now excited for this journey and will work on being more open and receptive to his love.
Funny how the Universe works.
Thanks for reading my blog and commenting!
Ok, yes, some good food for thought here, and also some expectations that don’t quite resonate wholly. At least for me. Yes, men and women are different, BUT, here’s a potentially enlightening challenge: Use the “find-and-replace” function to re-write this article switching the places of the words “men, he, him…”, with “women, she, her…” Then, after letting it rest awhile, come back later and read it with the genders switched, and see what, if anything, that exercise reveals about the nature of society’s and our own expectations and…training. Best Wishes, Ken A
Men will treat us however we let them… 🙂 We have to learn not to give our hearts and our time to men who aren’t relating to us at the level we desire. If we keep ‘hanging out’ with them while we’re not happy with their behavior, we don’t really communicate our truth or stand in our integrity, and we in effect keep telling them we accept things as they are, when we really don’t. (Rachel, you know I am saying this to myself..!!) ..It may feel lonely to hold out for the kind of guy who will really show up, but IMO, it’s far more pleasurable to be single than to be with a guy who doesn’t. I’m done giving my intimacy to anyone who doesn’t OFFER the level of integrity and support I’m looking for. It doesn’t have to look like a traditional monogamous relationship, but it needs to be a be a balance of reciprocal gifting and support.
Amen, sister. Love you. Thanks for reading and sharing your heart.
ok, if only this way, somewhat true, “until you choose something else”, that’s the catch, “until you choose something else,” what the fuck is that, abandonment? commitment is a two way street, i have never found it, but it has to be so, i am committed, are you, who are you talking about here? yourself, thankyou.
“Until you choose something else” means that we are changing beings. We evolve. We grow. I don’t think it is always reasonable to expect that someone we partner with will be our partner for our life-time. We can choose to commit to relationships and see them through until it no longer serves, or meets us. Sometimes one person grows and the other doesn’t grow as fast. Sometimes, we change and what we want and need and desire in partnership changes and we want to explore something else with someone else. No, it’s not abandonment. It is reality.
this is a passionate and eloquent piece of writing; a good share. it strikes me, however, as grossly over generalized and romantically idealistic. example: open relationships can be fully functional and generative when engaged with wisdom and respect. i’ve personally never heard of any man using the lines quoted from above. i know plenty of men and women alike who are either thriving or really flailing. the content of this is close to what i would call accurate though the tone here seems to require a bit more patience, humility, and practicality.
there is a problem as well with the language that gives us ideas such as ‘my’ girl and ‘my’ guy. as we all know- we dont not belong to each other; ones fondness or devotion for another does not make them ‘ours’.
thanxomuch for opening the dialogue!
Thanks for reading and commenting. When you say it’s “over generalized” I want to point out that I am actually talking about me and my women friends and the experiences we have actually had and some men we actually know and lines we have truly heard. So, I was clear to state that. I am not actually, therefore, over-generalizing. I did not say “all men.” If this is romantically idealistic, than I am glad. I love romanticism. I am a romantic. A hopeful, idealistic, romantic. And that is how I know I will have what I want. I am not talking about open relationships here at all, except for where I mention them briefly as an example of what some men say they want. I am not talking about people who enter into them with wisdom and respect. I am talking about the people who don’t enter into them with that level of integrity. yes, we all know we don’t belong to each other. Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it when a man claims his place beside me and declares me to be his girl. His love. His partner. Asks me to be with him. Yes, we all know. He doesn’t own me. Still, I like it. I am allowed to like it. 🙂 Thanks for your time!! 🙂
I’m not sure you are hitting the mark here, I am a 39 year old man and I actually take offense to some of the things that you have written. Seems that you have needs, much like we men, and it seems your needs are so strong that you are willing to tell men to go seek therapy because we are not meeting your needs in the way YOU need them met.
Truth be told it’s not because we were all raised by single mothers (which is more a problem for the next generation) or overbearing mothers. I will speak only for myself. I was raised by parents that are still together and 45 years into their mess of a relationship. I witnessed most all of my friends and peers parents married and not at all happy. I’ve tried relationships on and what I hear over and over is that is is hard work, it takes effort, etc. I’m down with that, I survived child abuse, addictions, I’ve been in mens work for 15 years and even facilitate a group for college students. So I’m not afraid of work, I actually love inner work. My experience is that as a male I have different ways of being in this world, I roam a little farther than females typically, I play harder typically, I don’t have the need to go to work and go home and nest as I have been asked to do by past partners. I don’t feel a drive to build something so deep and intertwined as our parents did. That feels claustrophobic to me and I don’t feel like it is for me, I feel like it is to keep my women feeling “safe”, but at my own expense. You say you are not asking that much from us… but you are asking more than we are wired or care to give then you say it is our faults and that we have peter pan syndrome… So again speaking for myself, to live a life of freedom where “I” feel in “MY” power, where I feel connected to my source and truth or sacrifice that so I can attempt to make a relationship work according to the rules that were hear long before I was and perhaps aggravated by Walt Disney princess syndrome… no brainer, and no I will not seek therapy so that I can fit into a lonely single womens ideals of what SHE wants to have happen in her life. Even looking at the last few generations, the men went to work and the women raised the family.. you think that is not because this is not what men want? to be home raising families? some men yes, but for the most part we are wired differently and we want different things. It could be as simple as consistent sex and we don’t want to be ever looking for it so we decide to take on monogamy so we don’t have to constantly be seeking our next lover. (this is to me as extreme as calling men out for having peter pan syndrome) just to make a point.
The peter pan thing… we happened upon this existence, born into flesh and raised to cut most of ourselves off due to parents/ peers/ society telling us what it is to be a good citizen, a good person…etc. who is to say how we are “supposed” to live our lives here? YOU? I think not. we are supposed to couple with someone else? we are supposed to “build” lives with someone else? we are as free as we desire to be as long as we can look beyond the programing.
I do feel a little for you ladys from time to time, it must be frustrating having a yearn so deep for connection and knowing that the reality is that men don’t need that as much as you, we don’t feel that inner pull.
Just to be clear though, I am into monogamy and I have been in several long term relationships and am only recently realizing that for me my power is at its peak when I am not in relationship… my connection to community is when I am free to do what I want with who I want and when I want and you are to tell me this is wrong? to seek help because the way I feel into my source is not appropriate simply because you are not getting your needs met through my own life experience?
sorry if I offended anyone, but the rules are changing. seems like we are moving to a place that is more honoring the way we are programed to be in this reality as men and women.
the last note, if I could find the women that let me truly express myself as a man and not need for me to make her feel safe, or the 3 P’s if she could have that feeling by simply standing by my side and I by hers and nothing more, no more expectations. I would gladly take part in a life with her.
you, my friend, will be featured in an up-coming blog post! 🙂 Too much to say to post here, so stay tuned!
I believe most young men these days are hiding behind a facade of freedom because they are too scared or lazy to give up their so called “freedom”. I believe true freedom lies in the ability to give ourselves wholly to our partners, family and ultimately to ouselves. Men need to man up and quite being scared of what they “think” marriage and a family is all about. Take the world by the balls and make your marriage, family and career be your freedom! Oh and when you man up the “real” ladies will be putty in your hands and a blessing to spend life with thereby eliminating any need to hold onto fake freedoms. Free yourselves by being a real man!
OMG. Let the puttyness commence. I feel gooey inside. YES! I love it. It’s true, real freedom lies in giving ourselves over to something greater, choosing beyond our comfort zone. I love it and you! Let’s get married. 😉
I am a superfood smoothie fan and coupled with your energy, beauty and our apparent like minds I would certainly consider a date… That is if I wan’t already married. I attracted a wonderful lady early in my twenties and wasn’t scared to give a new life a try. Now at 35 I have a 6 year old son, my own business, a small sustainable 8 acre farm, a loving and a true “man” supporting wife and life is good… I’m know I’m bragging a little but I just wanted to illustrate the blessings that have undoubtedly been bestowed on me through my choice to chase things bigger then myself. It certainly wasn’t easy, but I have lived my life with the phrase “nothing is harder than being given your chance” stuck in my head. The life style choice of throwing caution to the wind (chasing my own freedom) was a huge point of contention with parents and teachers my entire childhood. I never gave up though and it has turned out to be as rewarding as anything I could have imagined.
Time to man up fellas!
Oh, and it’s time to let them do so ladies!
That’s a cross between David Dieda’s ra ra ra and what the early christians taught as a way to lead men away from their more primal side. That “true freedom” is in giving ourselves to the greater… So your telling young men to man up, what a great story we tell our young men, then of coarse our women want their men to communicate and be soft and emotionally available. So which is it? are we to teach our youth the tradition of manning up or are we to use a new paradigm where we teach our youth to be emotionally available?
seems like the blog author likes the man up here, but requests the emotional availability
This is a fantastic dialogue! Thank-you for being courageous to share Rachel! XO
Hmm, I must say. As a man that is the son of a Baby Boomer, I am curious to know what kind of people you surround yourself with. Yes there are a substantial amount of men out there that fit into this “category,” but the man I am used to being around do provide these three P’s you talk about. I also must add that most of these people are in long term relationships, with a few that are single, as I am. As the child of the Baby Boomer generation, I do see a therapist regularly. With this experience, I had used many chances that I have with friends and therapist to wonder why it seems so many women are prone to finding the type of guy that doesn’t want a “monogamous relationship.” For the most part I get the answer “I have no idea,” or “I don’t have that problem.” I see this daily with women I am interested in or am just getting to know and I always feel like saying, “I’m not one of those guys, ” sometimes I even do. Yet, from my perspective most women either do not have this process the way I am intending or are not interested in me, for reasons I still question. Every one of my relationships have been with woman that is very clear about the monogamy, as am I.
What supports a good relationship is put very well, in your writing. I agree with what you and your friends feel like should be what men should do. I often wonder if they really do feel this way though. Maybe being 25 years old, is not the age for me to be wondering this and your target audience was meant for older women and men. I can only speak for myself though and say that I am one of these men you and your friends search for, but I fear you might not be looking deep enough into a man. Maybe getting caught with the good looks and charm is not just what happens to men, now-a-days. Some of the best people I know, just take a bit of time to get used to before you can really see their true colors.
I hope you ladies don’t give up in your search for this type of man. They are out there and probably in more of an abundance than you may expect.
Honesty, Respect, Trust and Equality. These are the virtues necessary to cultivate on both sides, for each other. Do that first, and then we can start to talk about love. What it requires is a great deal of knowing what your own truth is, so that you can be honest about it, and gain respect and trust for living that truth, and opening to the fact that this is an equal requirement for both. This transcends gender generalizations, and makes full room for individual self-expression. It takes a whole person to be in a relationship, otherwise, who are you in relationship with? This three “p’s” is an intriguing rewrite of the Provider, Protector, Pro-creator, which were the masculine attributes granted my father’s generation. We are indeed in new times, and the definitions are shifting. The Male/Female Agreement of our times is at the crux of many of the world problems, as we mistakenly seek external affection to fill a void in our own internal self-love. Because when that external source just doesn’t quite fill it, we want to blame the external, instead of turning back to the source. Our own need for self-love. Polonius’s advice to Hamlet ran like this, “To thine own self be true, then it shall follow as the night the day, that thou canst to no man (or woman) be false.” And didn’t the bard also say “ah, but the course of love never did run smooth.” I say dig into the rough stuff, but make sure you’ve got safety harnesses, and such for when you find yourself on a slippery slope! Great fun! Keep on writing. Big love to all you psychics out there!
I have a relatively simple thought… I have never told a woman I truly cared about that I didn’t want to be serious or committed. Perhaps what these men are really saying when they claim they want their freedom etc.. is that they don’t feel that “spark” with you. When this comes up over time in a relationship it obviously can have deeper roots, but if a person is in a phase where they are meeting people who seem incompatible or unable to commit, my experience has been that we attract experiences that are resonant with our interior state, and that when we are clear with our intentions the outer world responds in kind.
Agree with you Joseph. I have told women before that I wasn’t ready, or not looking for anything serious, but I wasn’t into them more than just physically. I might be out on a limb here but the way I see it, women’s roles have changed so much over the past generation. Many of you are successful, almost all are college educated, and now a majority will be the breadwinners, yet you still want to be treated, spoiled and taken care of. It’s having your cake and eating it too. I’m not saying to there is anything wrong with being successful and educated, i’m just saying women are changing roles, and it’s foreign to a lot of men. The good men are out there, maybe you just need to approach them
I feel the passion and yearning for an answer in this piece of writing so I will respond with this:
You said, “I am not that old fashioned,” which is why you aren’t attracting men who think in old fashioned ways. You seem to believe that women have changed. You are attracting men who think the world and women have changed.
It seems to me that when I have fallen into the category of men you are talking about (which is more often than not) Its been primarily because i was seeking some sense of wholeness, both by entering into the relationship and upon discovering that i would not find it within the relationship, leaving it. I’ve recently ceased imbibing in marijuana and alcohol. In this process of acclamating to sobriety I’ve discovered that these intoxicants were in a way manifestations of that same search for wholeness (I’m not saying that its the case for everyone, but it may be for some). It appears to me that many of the pursuits I engage in on a day to day basis are also efforts at reaching for wholeness and my mind tells me that if i just achieve such and such degree of physical prowess, such and such degree of financial security, such and such level of spiritual development (not to mention finding the right relationship) that i will be whole and happy. If i am permitted an egregious over-generalization, I would say that a majority of the activities we engage in are geared toward our quest for wholeness (whether that be numbing through, drugs, sex, the cycle of pursuit and leaving of relationships, tv, overeating, consumerism or the genuine search inside for what will fulfill us) and the white noise of mind has so many opinions about what will achieve this experience of wholeness we become entangled and unconsciously obsessed with what our mind says will bring us peace. Its incredibly frustrating, but I feel that accepting that rhythm and being willing to show up without micromanaging every little detail and expecting things to look a certain way is a huge step to take and a scary one. It takes faith and trust to be humble and vulnerable and allow the universe, or God, or the Higher power of your understanding to work in your life. I don’t believe we are entirely responsible for what manifests, but we are responsible for how we relate and react to it, whether that means choosing not to participate in an old pattern or stepping up and being open when the new presents itself. The truth is its all a dialogue in trying to achieve balance. Honest expression on both sides is key and a willingness to serve and meet needs that are expressed is essential. I’ve been considering this question myself for many years, despite only being 24. I have had minimal success in relationships, if that means doing the 3 p’s. My experiences have given me perspective and (if I dare) I would say I am learning from them. Perhaps many of the men you are speaking of are just as disillusioned as you are about this quest. Looking in all the wrong places for fulfillment. He may need to discover the truth of his heart. I appreciate your frustration. I am often frustrated with my own inability to as you say Proclaim, Provide, Protect. I do believe relationships are primarily a vehicle for growth. I look forward to the day I am given the opportunity to display the man I know myself to be. I’m sure you’ll find one of the many him’s that exist that want to grow and love and play and laugh and support and listen and give to you. They’re looking for you, too. much love. Thanks for the honesty and the opportunity to share.
At first I was a little put off by the tone of this piece, but then I considered it a bit more thoroughly and have some ideas to offer.
Rachel, judging only from the tone of this one article I guess you to be on average 35% Yang/65% yin energy. Sure, you can kick up the Yang to 45 or 50% as needed to be empowered, successful, independent, etc. Then I’m guessing other times you swing back to a deeper yin state maybe even 20Y/80y.
Therefore a man to complement you would be naturally 65Y/35y. Your public persona of Modern Successful Woman probably attracts men in the 55Y/45y range. Your circle of friends (“healers, artists, performers” as you put it, in Boulder no less!) are probably 50Y/50y at most. 50/50 may be a fine place to be but it’s not what you need. This why a round peg fits in a round hole whereas an upside down triangle peg does not!
On a personal level, I know that a woman most often at 65% or greater yin is not at all in harmony with me, almost to the point of being vibrationally invisible.
Ideas? I’m a 55Y/45y guy (more balanced since doing Tai Chi), so I’m not averse to different viewpoints or to being completely wrong! 🙂
I am proudly a Puer Aeternus – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puer_aeternus
https://www.thearchetypalconnection.com/PUER%20.htm Some would say Peter Pan.
Most people ascribe mostly negative connotations to the puer aeturnus. I’m thankful that Rachel mentioned some of our more positive and noteworthy attributes.
Mark Zuckerberg (founder of Facebook) and Will Ferrell (Actor) are two modern day successful examples of the puer aeternus. In movie culture The Thomas Crown Affair portrays a very financially successful Puer/Peter Pan.
I’m happy to see the dialog in this forum 🙂
I sat on my throne and gave this a read.
Three Ps?
Seven Ps: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance
What ever # of P’s you choose
Bottom Line
assets and liabilities
Women, not knowing what it is to be a man,
are you aware, what it is you ask of your man?
Men, not knowing what it is to be woman,
are you aware, what it is you ask of your woman?
Look within yourself, your result is your mirror!
No two people will have the same equation
Now I will flush, and listen to my plumbing
Getting the poison out always feels good
I am a man who has given my full presence, commitment and open heart (including the 3 P’s) to most relationships that I’ve entered into in the past and in most of those situations I ended up being at the receiving end from woman that which you and your sisterhood have discussed receiving from men. Or the lack there of. There have been a few occasions where I became bitter about this and felt much the same way as you described and furthermore began to ask, “Why am I bothering investing so much of myself only to be taken for granted and unappreciated?” I’ve moved past my bitterness and have considered all those many experiences to be learning and growing experiences. Alas, I am now in a relationship where we are both worthy of each other and reciprocate the 3 P’s in our own ways. I appreciate what you have shared here. But just keep in mind that it goes both ways.
This is to me a classic example of women thinking that they want something, and actually being attracted to something else. Guys who behave the way you want exist in abundance, but most women are too shallow/narcissistic to make themselves available for a relationship with the right kind of guy. Most women go for fellow narcissists. They want the self absorbed, arrogant confidence of a guy who can get laid whenever he wants by whomever he wants. Then they complain when he does exactly that.
You say it’s worth it. It’s not. Women won’t accept us. They mostly want to change us. It’s insulting to say we have Peter pan syndrome. We are living life on our terms, and you should too.
I said that we wonder if you have Peter Pan syndrome. And so do a lot of people. It is actually a thing. Did you read the link to the article? Some of you may actually relate to PPS. If you don’t, then leave it. Don’t take it personally. I am not intending to insult, only shine a light…
Here is an aspiring real man’s attempt to contribute something useful to the conversation:
Do you listen to and follow your heart?
Real men are looking for women with deep self-awareness who follow the compass of their heart without wavering. When we are dear to your heart, will you keep your integrity or bend yourself to please us? Bending to please may feel like creating safety, and men may enjoy it superficially, but it makes for terrible relationships. A real man will test your integrity. If you don’t have it, he may not stop to let you know.
Are you a princess or a queen?
Men like to sleep with princesses, but real men marry queens. If a relationship with a princess becomes serious and the princess can’t jump the gap to become a queen, the relationship will inevitably deteriorate. What’s the difference? Princesses may be competent and present well, but a queen can be mother to an entire kingdom. Because so much sexual energy (and media) is directed at princesses, it might be hard to tell that real men are looking for queens.
Are you looking for a king or a prince consort?
A real man wants to start a kingdom with you, not move into your kingdom, especially if there are other men there. While showing that you can lead a kingdom is very attractive, indicating that a man has to join your kingdom or hit the road is not.
Do you want to create with a man?
Real men want to create with real women. Whether or not the creation is a child, real men are looking for creative partnership. A real man can handle his creative (and sexual) energy with great intentionality, and is looking for a co-creative partner who also knows what she wants.
Can you appreciate and support a man’s libido?
Having and managing libido is a core challenge of a man’s life. Finding a man who can relate intentionally with powerful sexual energy is rare. When you find him, can you appreciate that your man’s libido is fueled by all of life, or do you have an insecure need to be the only fuel for his fire? Men tend to have shame around their sexual energy and really appreciate a woman who can affirm their fiery hot libidos and affirm their ability to share it consciously.
Are your abdicating your feminine power?
Does it surprise you that masculine women who disassociate from their feminine power attract feminine men who likewise abdicate their masculine power?
Can you love the human and the divine?
Real men have a strong personal relationship with God and worship the divine spirit in all of life. A real man will worship the divinity in you while fully accepting and loving the very human woman who fails, learns, and grows. Can you do that for him?
Have you written what you are looking for in partnership in a humble and vulnerable way?
You only get what you ask for. Having this written up ahead of time will keep you from wasting time with bozos. Sharing your list at the beginning of a relationship is a great way of showing real men that you know what you want and scaring away losers.
Well spoken sir.
I agree with your article. Having now been single for two years after many years of marriage, I have found that at an older age, what becomes important is where the partner is in life. For example, Some women my age have children that are grown already. My guy is still in elementary. After a few chivalrous dates, I am sometimes told that i am splitting my time, and they (the women) need more. Honestly, these few women aren’t at all selfish, they just know that a parent would never spend less time with their child than with them. Some also would never even question it. Who would? To sum up this point, it is critical that a woman (in my case) want to have a younger child around. Would I hold hands at the movies? Open car doors? Absolutely! Is giving up myself scary? Absolutely! Would I do it in a heartbeat? Without remorse. I would like a woman who is independent, has friends, goes on girl trips to vegas, and argues a point. Do they exist? Absolutely! The question is, are they willing to allow a relationship to happen, or, as I believe, does every person have a criteria? I believe when two people meet and their criteria matches, a relationship then becomes possible.
I’ll be frank: You seem to be dating the wrong men, and then blaming them. Rather than dating one of these Peter Pans (who you should be able to spot from a mile away) and then expecting him to change, why not date someone who is mature and open to begin with? He may not be as sexy, or exciting, or outwardly accomplished as you would like, but he will be present in a way you have not experienced before. Good luck.
Interesting blog Rachel. As well interesting comments. Protection and security in intimacy is a vital key to longevity for everlasting, loving relationships. Used wisely will triumph eternity.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate hearing from you! 🙂
It’s good to see someone thnniikg it through.