Girlfriend, Tell the Truth to Yourself

Girlfriends, let him go.

You know the one. You know who I am talking about.

The one you adore, fawn over, but who never seems to really be available for you.

You open your heart, share your muse, empower him through your valuable vibration and then he says, “I don’t want a relationship.” Or, “I need space.” Or, “I don’t want anything serious.”

We love to be spiritual. We think that means being unconditionally loving. That’s not true.

Unconditional love is for animals, children and old people.

If he can’t show up when you reach out, no deal.

I know, you are compassionate. He’s busy. Your love can change him. If you are patient enough, and cool, and not needy, he will see your greatness and magically change. 

No, he won’t.

Not until you are willing to change.

You have got to tell the truth to yourself, and I’ve learned we need to start with the basics.

Do you even like him?

Really. Think about how you feel in the moment of being with him. Does it feel good? Are you enjoying yourself? We so often want the prize, or we are busy being woman-like and showing up for the man, that we forget to check in with our own experience in the moment. Begin to practice checking in with yourself and seeing how you feel in the presence of him.

Would you want to spend 24/7 with him?

How do you like to be supported and does he do those things? Does he even care? Have you told him?

If he controls when you see each other, where, for how long, and if is he dictates the rules of the relationship, perhaps it’s time to do the inner work and get clear.

There are amazing, beautiful, powerful, loving men out there who are capable of giving, showing up and claiming their place beside you. And, relationship doesn’t have to be hard.

Is he consistent with his actions? What are his intentions?

Are you facing an old pattern? The internal knowing says, “Hm. I don’t think I want that pattern anymore.”

The mind says, “Screw that! I want the prize!”

Get anchored in your body and you’ll know if he is meeting the mark.

You deserve someone who will put the effort in and meet the mark.

It’s not mental, it’s an internal shift and knowing that you don’t need that pattern anymore.

He’s not the prize you think he is.

Not if he’s not putting in the effort.

Give yourself permission to reference with a checklist

How much quality is showing up here? Is it just lip-service? Does it feel solid to me, or, am I just excited because it’s immediate relief?

As long as you have no standards and allow him to come over whenever he wants, and are always available whenever he comes calling, you are enabling his behavior and perpetuating it.

You have to take care of yourself by setting strong boundaries.

Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you may feel lonely. Yes, it’s easier to succumb to his magnificence, but ask yourself: are the small morsels of love you get worth the pain you feel when the same thing happens again and again?

You, the adult, is the decision maker

If not, it’s time to access your inner adult, console the child within, who knows no other pattern than to go to the wounder and get wounded again. She is a child. That’s a child’s perspective. You, the adult, can say, “It’s not worth it. I know you want him, but I, the decision maker, say no.”

And you know, intuitively, already. You know if your needs are being met or not.

So, stay for three years, like I have in the past, and wreak havoc. Or, get vigilant about the value of YOU.  Draw your line in the sand, on the other side of your fair weather friends.

Maybe you don’t even want him

Oh, and the real kicker is this: consider that when we aren’t really solid about someone, when our knowing doesn’t say, “Yes!” Then the personality starts to respond to that and then the others behavior starts to respond to that.

Trippy, eh? Perhaps, the discord is originating in you, and his behavior is reflecting that. Intuitively, psychically, he knows he’s not meeting the mark, as well.

Then we know, it isn’t quite right.

So, we lie to ourselves and say that we love them, we want them, but do we really, or do we just not want to be rejected or alone and so we fool ourselves into chasing men who can’t even meet us anyway?

The bottom line is that there is likely an internal development happening with you and it’s more important. It’s the guarantee that you’ll get what you want.

Reference that when the mind says, “I tried, I put the effort in, and I lost. Now I am mad and scared and frustrated.”

You first

Cultivate the realization of, “Me first.” That is self-love.

You’ve probably worked really hard.

Can you be there for you first?

That man is offering an opportunity for you to explore can you be there for yourself?

The lesson and the learning curve is really, when he is not there for you, can you be there for you?

The mind says, win or loss.

The truth is, we bring people in and test. We find our true values of relationship by how we relate to ourselves in relationship.

Your soul won’t let you short-circuit and sacrifice yourself to a narcissist.

You are stepping away from that sacrificial component and it takes a few times.

You are going to have everything you want. I know you will. You are so powerful, so strong. So devoted.

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  1. YES, I love how this makes me feel. It brings a smile to my face, maybe I’m more feminine, but I relate to most of what you wrote. Thanks Rachel.

  2. I’m reading a lot of “women leave your man” and “men what’s wrong with you why can’t you show up for us women the way we need” I’ve been having the opposite experience… what work are you women doing to accept us men for who we are and where we are? what work are you doing to accept yourselves as imperfect as we are? what lines are you willing to create with your partners? what are you willing to give in relationship instead of NEEDING to receive? this man bashing is getting old and honestly makes me want to say “fuck it, good luck on your search for a perfect man/ human being”. Men are heartbroken right now as well, pressures, expectations, we long for a women who will be a companion and not a presence constantly wanting us to be the ones to change in order for women to become happy and complete… where is the partnership talk? and really, you say there are these great guys out there… I feel like I am a great guy yet I am in your category of “not good enough” simply because I don’t want to be in a relationship were I’m not enough to fill someone elses holes. So I say to you “women, show up, step up, realize that we are on your side, it’s not us against you so please stop treating us men that way and expecting us to not distance ourselves from you for it”. It’s in that distancing that you get frustrated for us and it is often times caused by your longing for us to be something we are not or to fill a gap in your heart that we did not create. I want to love someone, I want to build a life with someone, so please, please women show up and let your expectations of what you should be getting from us go and create something with us. we are ready for that.

    1. Just to be clear, this is not “man bashing.” This is a post, advice for women, some of who are my girlfriends, and I am saying, hey, take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Set boundaries if your needs are not being met. That’s it. It is my personal experience, it is my internal wisdom. I am allowed to have expectations, by the way.

      you say, “I feel like I am a great guy yet I am in your category of “not good enough” simply because I don’t want to be in a relationship were I’m not enough to fill someone elses holes. ”

      those are your words. this is not about not being “good enough.” this is about having standards, boundaries, and telling the truth to ourselves.

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