How to Not Sabotage Your Relationship Before it’s Even Started
There’s something I’ve noticed amongst some women. It goes like this:
Meet a new man. Be excited. Start dating. Have a great time. Get intimate. It’s rockin’.
Then, the woman starts to notice what’s wrong. He’s not enough this. He didn’t do that.
The worst thing you (the woman) could do at this point is express your criticism to your man.
There’s a great book I read once. Twice. Three times or more.
A woman has “leaving rights” but not complaining rights.
The thing is this. If you meet a new guy that you like, enjoy it. Let him lead. Let him pursue. If he really likes you, he will.
Continue on with your life. See your friends. Date other people. Keep taking good care of you.
If you really don’t like him, like he’s less than 50% of what you desire, leave.
If you choose to stick around, you best not complain to him about his behavior. Call your bestie or your therapist if you wanna moan.
When he does things that please you, thank him, let him know. Be sure he knows that you enjoyed going out dancing, or to dinner, or for that stroll.
DON’T criticize him!
The fastest way to ruin a relationship is to get critical with your man. If you’re newly dating, and your romance is fresh, your job as a woman is to receive his attention and affection with grace and ease.
If you begin to reflect to him that something is not working for you, here’s what I see that happens.
He feels emasculated. You’ve stripped him of his power. He doesn’t feel that he can please you. He may get defensive. He’ll move on to another woman who smiles, and appreciates his efforts.
Once your relationship is more established, it’s great to be more open and honest about your desires, but in the beginning stages, your relationship is a tender bud.
Nurture it with approval and adoration. Smile. Smell good. Look good. Enjoy.
If you look to him to be your pleaser right out of the gate, your relationship will be over fast!
An important question to ask ourselves is this:
What am I expecting from him that I’m not giving to myself?
Then, whatever comes to your awareness, go give that thing to yourself!
I learned this well in my own dating life. When I first met my honey, I made it clear that I wanted children and to have a family. I also made it clear that it didn’t have to be with him, but that I was on that track, that’s where I was headed.
I proceeded to date him and date others and to live my life. When he pursued, called, or asked me out, I was receptive to his energy. I smiled. I said thank you. I appreciated his efforts.
NEVER did I criticize him. Sure, now that we’re a couple years deep and I’m having his baby, I have moments where I lose my cool and have demanded things, but in the beginning? Never.
I also remembered something very important:
Men are like rubber bands.
They get close, and then they pull away. They need to separate. As women, we must allow this pulling away. They’ll spring back. If they don’t, not meant to be.
My sweetie pulled away a lot in the beginning. I didn’t pursue. I let him have his space and I waited for his lead.
Almost a year after we met, in which time I was still giving space, letting him lead, not demanding anything and not insisting that he give me the life I desired, he took me home to his family for Christmas. We got really close and talked about starting our own family.
When we came home, he broke up with me.
What did I do? Nothing. I didn’t call him, see him, reach out to him, nothing. For 5 solid weeks, though I was sad and in pain and missing him and wanting him back, I held my ground and did nothing.
I knew that to really know if he loved me I’d have to wait, let him lead, and see if he called. If he didn’t, he wasn’t my guy. I was not willing to be the masculine energy and pursue. He broke up with me, he’d have to call.
After 5 weeks, like a rubber band, he came springing back into my life. Now, we’re committed to each other and we’re starting our family.
I think the reason it worked with my guy is that I had learned a few important lessons about men in my life:
- NEVER criticize a man. If you do, clean it up.
- Let him lead and unless it goes against your morals, follow that lead. (If you want to be the feminine energy of the relationship.)
- Don’t demand that he give you anything. You can be the energy of it. You can expect it. You can desire it, see it, think it, want it. But, don’t look to him to provide it too early on. How long is too early? In my world, I was willing to go a whole year without a promise of a ring or family.
- When he pulls away, give him space. Let him return to you.
- Appreciate. Praise. Approve. Adore. Lavish him with love when he meets your needs.
That book I mentioned above that I’ve read over and over? It’s called Getting to I Do. It’s by Pat Allen. If you’re struggling in your relationships with men and you desire to be the feminine energy, which means you want to be receptive and pursued, then I highly suggest reading this book and putting it into practice. (Don’t be put-off by the title!)
Or, if you’ve been in an on-again, off-again relationship with your guy, and you wonder what to do, read that book.
Now, it’s your turn.
Leave a comment below and share a great resource, book or lesson you’ve learned in your dating/relationship life. If you got value from this, please share it with your friends, too!
I’ve loved Pat Allen’s work. I’ve also found great value in Attached, by Amir Levine. It opened my eyes about why I was attracting men that did so wonderfully in the beginning and then became so feminine. I was attracting Avoidants.
Awesome Lisa! Thanks for sharing that, I’ll check out Amir. I appreciate you leaving a comment and participating and sharing your knowledge + wisdom! Much love!
I have no book to offer but I do have a huge THANK YOU! God has heard my prayers these last few hours and as soon as I turn on my computer…BAM! There’s this article. My boyfriend and I are trying to make this work again. We were together for 9 1/2 years, apart for a year and, now just newly back together and I realized today I was pushing him away with old patterns. Karma’s a B****! LOL This article was exactly what I was meant to see.
Awesome, Mary Jo! So glad this contributed to you!! Thank you for clicking and reading and sharing that you got value. I wish you all the best! Much love! xo Rachel
I can’t thank you enough for your insight. I quickly purchased the book you recommended and read it in 2 days. It has changed my perspective on everything. I see now how I’ve let my “taking control” cause conflict between energies and so clear now as to why I push my boyfriend away when I feel like I’m losing him. I’see the pattern of doing too much that causes him not being able to lead then I’m upset because I want him to lead. I want to see a change and I know now that it starts with myself. No more begging or arguing. I know my worth and willing to walk away. Do you recommend other books by chance? Thank you again, you’ve changed my life. Sasha
Hi Sasha, I’m SO glad that book has made a difference for you! Yay for you for being open + willing to grow! I have a page where I share my recommended reading for relationships: https://theboulderpsychic.com/recommended-reading-for-relationships/ You can also sign up for my resource library and you’ll have access to all my resources in one place: https://rachelhaynes.lpages.co/freelibrary/ Thank you for circling back to let me know your updates! Be well and so much love!
Thank you Rachel, exactly what I needed to read, so simple and sweet.
Another book that I have read few times 😉 is “The Queen’s Code” by Alison A. Armstrong.