There I was, day three of the Landmark Advanced Course. I was to get up on stage in front of a room full of 200 people and declare who I was in the world.
I was talking myself up in my mind as I made my way to the side stage stairs. No matter what, don’t act a fool. Convince them the first time and don’t get called out.
I made my way to center stage and said, “My name is Rachel Haynes and I am powerful!” I said it as convincingly as I could. With a little umph behind the powerful part.
“Stop.” Announces the leader. “Do you all buy it?” He says to the audience. “A chorus of, “No.” Great. I think. F!@#.
I turn around so my back is to the audience and I begin to cry. “What are you afraid of?” He asks. I turn around. “Looking stupid.” I say. “What will happen if you look stupid?” He prompts. “I’ll be rejected.” duh. jerk. “What does it mean if we all reject you?”
I pause, “That nobody loves me.”
“If nobody loves you, what does that mean about you?”
“That I am unlovable.”
“Look out at these people sitting in front of you. What is present in the room?”
I stare out at the sea of faces before me. I look into their eyes for traces of disgust.
I see only love. I see face after loving face staring at me with compassion, empathy, understanding. A sea of love is present. Love is in the room. It is palpable. Tangible. I can touch it.
They are rooting for me.
“Love.” I say. Heads nod. “Love.” He says.
“So, here and now, invent a new possibility for yourself, Rachel. If you are not the girl trying to be perfect and get it right, then who are you?”
“Who I am is love.” I say.
Now state it as a possibility for being, since you are a being.
“Who I am is the possibility of being love.”
“And what are you giving up, Rachel?”
“I am giving up that nobody loves me.”
In that moment, born from my great fear, public humiliation, I got who I am to my deepest core. LOVE.
It’s who we all are.
What is really present between two people is love. Underneath all our games, and pretenses, and roles, love abides as the eternal river that connects us all, it is the chemical we are made of.
LOVE.
You are love. Like the tree is wood. The water is H2O. You, science has now proven, are made up of L+O+V+E. Love made you.
Taste it.
[…] When I first saw the water I was swimming in and identified that story I lived inside of, I thought, great, that’s over. I got it. Moving right along, now I will be perfect. Or some such nonsense like that. […]