Illuminated in My Awkward Love

Art by Alice Mason
Art by Alice Mason

I only lose things of value.

I once owned a pair of diamond earrings. I lost them.

I seem to only lose the most expensive, or valuable things I own.

This has me not want to possess things.

If I don’t own anything of particular value, I will surely not lose it.

Perhaps this line of thinking has bled into my personal life as well.

I seem to want to push away those who want to be close.

If I don’t love you, I won’t ever have to lose you.

It seems a wise enough thing to do, until you realize you are alone.

I must be like the water unto the river bed, ever flowing but never attempting to cling, nor to stay.

If I can love you with truly open arms, then perhaps we can plant our love in the soil beneath our feet and watch it grow.

I will awkwardly find my way through the maze of leaning against you to steady me when strong winds come, and being a pillar unto myself.

I will depend upon you in my weakest moments, or shut you out and close the door.

I like this journey, I do, the one of me and you, and the never-ending ways in which we curl towards our love, or shove it out the door.

We’ve bled it enough though, don’t you think? When does the nurturing care part come in?

My heart is tender and true and I promise to be there for you.

I care for you, I do.

Love, this love of mine and yours and ours, is endless like the sea.

Well, the sea does end, doesn’t it?

Maybe our love ends, too.

On a reckless, deserted road.

At that point, the end of the road, the last place our love lives…

Will you wait for me?

I’d never know how to traverse forever without you.

I wouldn’t really want to, you know.

If I get there first, I’ll sit, like Buddha, underneath the tree.

I’ll be the one illuminated in love for you. Come and find me.

Copyright ©2013 Rachel Haynes.

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