Inside of my belief in the Law of Attraction, I often talk about what I want to create and don’t share the shadow sides of my life. Being a psychic, single mama, you bet I have experienced anxiety and depression.
After Sophia was born, my anxiety spiked, especially around driving in the car.
Suddenly, I cared very much whether or not I lived. And as for her…she had to live. FOREVER.
When she first went in the car with someone else without me, I stood there, begging that they be very safe. I kissed her goodbye and then cried my eyes out.
When I mentioned this to my postpartum counselor, she asked a very simple question that turned out to be incredibly healing.
Is there a reason why?
That’s when I told her about the accident. When I was 9 years old my mom picked me up on an early, cold morning from a sleep over. As soon as I got in the car, I felt something was wrong.
I remember the maroon colored leather glove she wore on her hand as she shifted gears and told me that they’d been in an accident.
They were coming home from our friend’s house, where we went every Saturday night for dinner and games.
The were stopped at a stop sign near our home. A big, black truck came up and rammed into them, pushing them across the intersection and into a house. The man admitted to have at least ten beers on the scene. He had never even tried to break. He was going 50 mph.
They took me to see the car.
The entire trunk and backseat were smashed up. I was supposed to be in that backseat. I was always in that backseat on Saturday nights.
After that, life changed.
My mom and uncle had aches and pains and lawyers and law suits and chiropractic appointments that still go on. Luckily they have found the best criminal defense lawyer Tampa Bay.
Nothing much more was ever said about it.
No one asked me how I was.
No one talked me through it.
We just moved on.
Except now, I knew that I would have died.
And at 9 years old, a tender age, I had come face to face with that fact. I would have died.
The thing that’s sad to me, is that often when we’re scared or anxious, people around us don’t know, don’t ask, don’t care, or if they do, they, with their best intentions, may invalidate us with words like:
- Could have been worse
- Don’t be anxious
- What’s wrong with you?
No one, in the 31 years since, when I mentioned my anxiety about dying in a car, had ever asked me…(and if they had, I’d likely have owned I was psychic a lot earlier. Seeing + knowing things can be very anxiety producing.)
Is there a reason why?
So, my darling, if you’re one of the millions of people who have anxiety, I ask you today, “Is there a reason why?”
And I give you full permission to look and see.
Your emotions and feelings are real and valid.
And often, you’re not crazy. You’re just a sensitive, tender heart, who maybe learned too early about your mortal nature.
And perhaps, no one talked to you much about it. That’s one thing I believe is so important, especially as we navigate what’s happening in the US with the children. We have to tell children, honestly, at an age appropriate level, what’s happening to them and why. When we go through trauma, we don’t heal if we never process it or talk about it.
My counselor suggested I take Sophia out and sit under a tree with a white flower.
That I tell her that I’d been a little afraid in the car, but that that was past now, and I knew why and I was healing + letting it go. We played with and smelled the flower and then we sailed it down the creek.
As my favorite author, Brene Brown says:
Every single person has a story that will break your heart. And if you’re paying attention, many people… have a story that will bring you to your knees. Nobody rides for free.
If you knew my back story and what I’ve been through in my life, I think it’d bring you to your knees. And likely, the same is true for me about you. And what we can see with what’s happening with the children today, this will be true for them, too.
So let us make room to explore the shadow, to honor our feelings and to ask others if there’s a reason why, before we judge or tell them not to feel that way.
We’re in this together. And we will always RISE STRONG.
P.S. There’s been lots of talk on social media about how to talk about what’s happening with small children. It’s my belief, based on a Master’s Degree in Education and a Degree in Psychology and my studies of Waldorf Education, that talking to children in the formative years (under the age of 7) about national disasters, etc. is not healthy, nor necessary. At that age, it’s most important that children are protected and allowed to live in a safe, predictable bubble of childhood. It will be popped soon enough. They can’t process or understand at a young age.
IF it’s happening directly to them in their world, then of course, be honest and open at an age appropriate level. Don’t say too much or talk too long.
IF they’re older, and understand and ask about it, then you can explain simply, while ensuring them they’re safe. Thanks for listening to my two cents!
P.P.S. If you struggle with depression or anxiety, please don’t feel that you have to go it alone, or that the only “spiritual” way to heal is to energetically do it yourself. Reach out. Talk with counselors. Find out your options. Change doctors. Join a mama group. Especially postpartum, there can be very real hormonal reasons you feel as you do and there are many things you can do to help you feel good!