Constant Craving Has Always Been

“You are not a troubled guest on this earth,
you are not an accident – amidst other accidents,
you were invited -from another and greater night
than the one from which you have just emerged.
Now, looking through
the slanting light of the morning
window toward the mountain presence
of everything that can be.
What urgency calls you to your one love?
What shape waits in the seed of you to grow and spread
its branches against a future sky?”
-David Whyte

This is the question of eternity, I suppose. What shall we do with this life? How can we seize the day? What will it take to spread our wings and fly into the fullest expression of our most grand self?

I ponder this question daily. I’m obsessed. How do I live a truly spiritual life? Do I know God? Am I ever in control?  Will I meet my potential and invent a miraculous life? Am I living one now and I just can’t see it?

Here is the truth:

I constantly wonder how to love better, bigger, more fully. I constantly pray for loving unconditionally, for opening my heart, for showing those I care for how much they mean to me.

I want not to take life or the limited time I have with those I love lightly, yet most days feel like casual Friday at the office.

I think my biggest fear is that my life won’t change much. That all my dreams and visions of the future won’t pan out. I’ll die alone, in an apartment, all by myself, wondering what I could have done to really live on fire.

Here’s how I know to show my love: I smile. I kiss. I hug. I say hello, I ask questions. I listen to the answers. I pray. I think of those I love. I write. I express myself as best I can though my words seem to fail me.

There is a sense of urgency.

I am eager to live my dreams. I dream of finding an honorable, honest, faithful man full of heart and humor and joy who shares a vision with me of a shared life, who wants a family, children, to create hearth and home. I want a dog. A garden.

I want close, deep, fulfilling relationships, but more and more I seem to isolate and want to hang alone.

Last night I went to a gathering. There were about forty people there. The more I do psychic work the more sensitive I seem to be. I couldn’t handle it. The energy in the room was hard to be with. I felt overwhelmed and tired simply from being there. I snuck out early without saying goodbye.

I wrestle with these paradoxical desires of my heart. I want love and connection, but I hide.

I want closeness but I choose to be alone.

I want to be seen and see deeply, but I remain silent.

I’m trying to break the habit of using my past as an indication of my future.

I want to let go of thinking that my family, the generations that came before me, are any sign of the way my life will play out.

I don’t have a lot of pretty pictures in reality about how good life can be.

I come from a line of abuse, substance use, broken families, lost dreams.

I hold great space inside the walls of my heart for big dreams. I don’t know where I got my capacity for dreaming, my big visions, I seem to think I can have much more than anyone in my family did. This makes me wonder if I’ve bitten off a fantasy pill. Perhaps I am delusional?

Still, in the midst of all my questions I know, in a deep abiding faith sourced from somewhere, that I can have what I want. Yet, I have to make changes. I have to take risks. I have to play big.

Today, I do the same thing I do most days. I write. I chat with friends. I sit in the sun and wonder what it’s all for.

Maybe I changed a little today. After all, I am sharing these pieces of my heart with you. They are sacred, soft pieces of me. I hope you’ll hold them tenderly. Maybe, somewhere out there, these words reach you, and though we are not together in the flesh, we can connect, heart to heart, over the ether and you’ll know and I’ll know, on some level, that we are not alone. And that, my friend, is something, isn’t it?

Wishing you love today, my dear. Wishing you know the comfort of warm peace. Big love. Happy dreams. Delightful surprises. Wishing that you and I will play together, someday, someway, under the blanket of infinity, and rest assured that all is well.

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Love,

Rachel