I was angry & frustrated much of the time. I felt that all my values were being stripped away. As I gained more insight into my past & the culture & the reasons I’d decided I wanted what I wanted, I began to have more space, more choice for me.
Before that space felt good though, there was the destruction. The letting go of the things that I’d thought I’d always wanted. You see, I grew up wanting marriage, children, a nice home, money, and a dog.
As I mature and realize that perhaps I can be met in so many juicy ways by so many people, and as I realize that I change so quickly that it would be quite a feat to marry one person and expect them to meet my needs…I open up to the realization that I am my life’s companion, my soul mate, and that that is actually a really awesome thing.
The fact is that people will come and go and we can’t really control anything. When I’ve lived my life from trying to secure a husband, or partner, or to feel like I have it all under control and then I can relax and be happy, I’m actually chasing a fantasy and avoiding the moment.
When I realize that I am always here with me, that I am a vast, deep & rich being, with infinite capacity and that I don’t actually “need” anyone, I have freedom to choose to be with people and to ask for what I desire or what would be fun & juicy, from a place of lightness & play, rather than from a grasping at trying to get someone to be something for me.
At first, I felt like my walls were crumbling down. I was sad as I began to question my values and the things I thought I desired.
I wanted to cling, to go back, as it were, like in the Matrix, but this time take the blue pill.
As I unraveled, I found a lightness of being. I found a freedom in knowing that I don’t have to seek to find something in someone else to satisfy me.
I get to be the vessel of love, of grace, of joy & pleasure. I get to be here, in this body, and offer my kindness. I get to play with whomever crosses my path & be grateful for who they are and the time we have to share.
What would that make possible? If we were really just grateful for the people in our lives, and every precious moment, without all the expectations & games we play?
In letting go of my grasping or trying to fit people into my molds, constructed from a fantasy in the past, I got to have full pleasure in realizing the joy of just being.
When we just be, without any expectation, we actually get to receive.
In receiving, in this now moment, in being open for whatever is showing up in the space of now, we get to experience deep fulfillment.
That may last a moment, or many moments, but when I cling not to the form, or the structure, but rather swim in the pool of whatever is available, I am satisfied, I am met, I am happy and I need not search for anything outside of me. I just get to be, the energy, space & consciousness of a being in a body, experiencing the joy of living.
It is that simple, really. Truly it is. I may still choose to have children, marry, get a dog, but I am not seeking those things to fulfill a picture, that may only leave me empty, wondering what’s next and why I’m not fulfilled now that I’ve actualized my vision of what happiness looks like.
Instead, I get to just BE. Me. Here. Now. I get to choose, freely, every 10 seconds, that which lights me up, feels expansive, or enlivening & like it would contribute to my life.
Best of all, I get to love whomever comes into the space of now and be holy grateful. And that, my friends, is bliss indeed.
In my unraveling & deconstruction of my ideals, I’ve found an abiding joy in realizing I get to travel throughout all eternity, with you, and we get to change form and costumes, play different parts, but there’s nothing that can be lost, nothing we have to do or shouldn’t do, no one or nothing we haven’t been or done…
It’s all just an experience in vitality, in living, in being a being in a body. So, we might as well play, have fun & choose in every moment anew.
As soon as we decide we have to do something, or we have to be some way, or we can’t do or have or be some thing, well, we’ve stuck ourselves. We’ve limited our infiniteness.
Expand out. Get big. Play a fun game, worthy of your life. Or don’t. You get to choose. Choose for you.
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