How do you know when it is time to throw in the towel on relationship? When do we muster up more gusto and plow on and when do we silently surrender, and no matter how much of poppers Amazon you buy – say…I give up?
I paid good money for this advice, if you read on, I will share it with you for free. Deal?
I’ve known for a long time this relationship wasn’t working for me. If I am honest here, I have known since the first week. There was that first incident, the one that made me angry that I ignored, stuffed down, beat myself up about, and let go.
Then, there was another one. All along the way, three hundred and sixty-five days, I’ve been justifying.Waiting. Believing that people can change, we go through phases, and if I am patient enough, I will get what I want.
Deeply entrenched in denial, I ignore the knowing that by now rings so strong and so clear SO early in relationship.
Here’s the juicy nugget: My therapist says, “Do you think you should be unconditionally loving in your relationships?” I said, “Yes.” She said, “That’s bullshit. Unconditional love is for animals and children. You have conditions that must be met in your relationships or you draw the line and move on.”
I feel the power and truth in that. I have spent my entire adult life bending over backwards to meet the needs of men who just didn’t meet me.
I have beautiful, powerful women friends around me who are traversing the same ground.
How do we truly wake up and tell the truth to ourselves and let go in a timely way, or, have the courage to not proceed at the first warning sign? I love to delude myself for eons until writhing in pain, I come up for help.
I always think, if only I were more loving, less judgemental, if only I had done this thing differently, then maybe this would work.
Typical woman stuff. It must be me. If only I did more, better, different. Right?
This has kept me swimming upstream in one too many relationships, believing I must work harder to be a better partner.
Meanwhile, he’s off taking care of himself, having a good time, cracking open a beer. Or meditating. Truthfully, whether it’s getting drunk, or meditating, either can be an addictive pattern used to check out and avoid intimacy. I’ve seen them both.
By constantly bending to meet the needs of men who are not really contributing to the relationship or working on it themselves, we only contribute to the problem.
My father left when I was two. Since then, I have learned that any attention I receive from a male has me open up my palace and share all my goods for free.
Slowly, through miles of tears and challenging heart breaks I have learned to pull the boundary of my walls inward to protect the jewels of my heart and be a bit more discerning when it comes to love.
Truthfully, I brought this one home with me on night one. I didn’t sleep with him, but I did open up my heart, my home, and all my resources to unconditionally share with him.
That led to a lot of excruciatingly painful nights.
Ladies, here it goes, I am going to be bold and clear. This is a checklist for women who are done with boys and ready to have real relationships with men.
If he does not meet any of these, say, Nice to meet you, bye. Seriously.
1. Does he come from a nice family? What are his relationships like currently with family?
2. Does he have a job/income/money?
3. Does he have his shit together?
4. Is he addicted to anything?
5. Does he have friends?
If he meets all those, you may proceed. If not, I don’t care how charming he is, how in touch with his feelings, how present, how affectionate, tender, and new agey, you MOVE ON.
At the first sign, woman, beware. The last straw in the end, is always that first red flag. I promise.
I have had serial monogamous relationships since I was 14. I have had ten relationships that lasted over a year. I am 34 years old and have spent almost twenty of those years in committed, long-term relationships. I have done my research. I have learned a thing or two. Just because I haven’t gotten it right yet, doesn’t mean I am not close.
The bottom line is this: we know when we are sacrificing and settling. We know it early on. We know when our body says no and our lips speak, yes. We know when he takes more than he gives, when we are providing and he is not offering. We know when he is lying. We know when we feel him pull back. Disengage.
It is the time for our radiant, intuitive, feminine selves to claim our power. It is time for us to stand for authentic relating that feels good.
I want that for you. I want it for me.
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Don’t worry, I know, enjoy time by myself, don’t rush into anything new…etc. I get it.
I am appreciative of where I am now. I have some grief to go through. This has been a tough summer for me. I am grieving the loss of a career, an identity, and now I am parting ways with my boyfriend, just after he moved in. It’s good to be where we are and feel it, honor our process, and move through it consciously.
It is also good to be eager for what is to come and to take the pain of what we experience now and channel it into manifesting something that fulfills us.
Appreciative, Grief Stricken, Fed Up and Eager,
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You mention having patience for him (waiting for him to change). I think if someone told you they were being patient with you, waiting for you to change, you’d give them the finger. 😉 But that’s putting your patience out there, ”over there”, with another person. Keep it for yourself. I think you’ll find then that patience sometimes looks like moving on sooner than later or paying attention to that first red flag.
I think that patience for yourself would be a better start than the ”real man checkoff list”. 🙂
Hi Bob. Thanks for reading. I think that by patience, I am saying that I think sometimes we go through transitions in our lives and we are building a foundation and we may be facing fear. I was being patient because my partner was in a huge transition. He had left his job, moved to a new city, and I was being patient knowing that sometimes people are in phases, or growth spurts and they can show up more fully when not in crisis. Someone who met me now would have a different experience of me than someone who met me when I was working full time, landed that job, had a stable relationship and things felt solid. I wouldn’t give someone the finger for being patient, knowing I was going through a phase. I think you are right, it’s true with most things that we start within, source it from within. It’s true I could be patient with me, that would be great. And, in partnership, sometimes we do have to be patient with other people. We do see things that maybe others aren’t ready to see yet. I am keeping my check off list. I like it. 🙂
In thinking about it a little further, I actually ask people to be patient with me. I know, for myself, that when I couldn’t walk because my leg was broken, I wanted people to be patient with me. When I quit my job and I am attempting to create a new life, I want people to be patient. Life is change. Everything changes. We grow. We shift. We learn. Yes, I am okay with people having patience with me. 🙂