The other night I was sitting in my favorite rocker nursing Sophia. I turned on the TV and found a show called, “90 Day Fiance.” The premise is that there are these couples where one is from the US, and the other from a different country. They get a K1 Visa and then have 90 days to decide if they will marry.
Some of the couples know each other, having met on vacations, or work trips. However, some of them have never met in person. As I watched this show, I was so intrigued with how some of the partners would say, “Oh, this is the love of my life and this is the best day of my life…” about people they had NEVER met.
I could see their fantasy so clearly. It’s obvious to me that they’re not really “in love” with this person, how could they be? They don’t even know them. Yet, they surely were in a fantasy, and in my eyes, they were truly fooling themselves.
Of course, the people come here and the relationships fall apart. Of course they do, for the actual relationships take place in reality.
This is an epidemic. I see it all the time. I know this pattern from listening to my clients and because I’ve worked it out during many hours of therapy myself.
So many of us do this. We hardly know a person and yet we have a huge fantasy about how they’re the one and this is love at first sight and we’re soul mates, and on an on until it often ends in disaster.
Or, we’re in a relationship and we stay in it, even though our needs aren’t being met, because we’re having a fantasy about our amazing future, where everything will magically be different and then you realize that moving too fast in a relationship won’t help at all.
This is a tough one because people like you and me: loving, open-minded, compassionate, we believe in people. We think that anything is possible. And, we’re willing to work really, really hard to make it better.
And here lies the problem. We work too hard.
Your intuition is telling you this isn’t working, your needs aren’t being met.
So, you come in and rationalize the hell out of your intuition with justifications and defenses like:
- He’s really busy.
- I don’t actually need to see him every day.
- It’s okay if he doesn’t call.
- Maybe it’s really me.
- I’m too needy.
- I can be cool and go with the flow.
And in all that reflection + justification, you keep working hard on you…where you could be better, different, nonchalant (read not needy)
This happens with women I talk to all the time. They tell me they’re not happy. I reflect back, ya, you’re not happy. Then, they defend, rationalize and justify about how they are happy. Uh huh.
There’s the problem. We get guidance, we have intuition, we hear that still, small, voice, and then we ignore it. We pretend everything is okay because we don’t want to disrupt the pattern, we’re not willing to see the truth, and we don’t want to have boundaries, draw a line in the sand and stick up for ourselves out of fear that we’re somehow bad, wrong, needy or unlovable and we’ll be wrecking the one good thing that has come our way.
Or, we’re sure that if we could just not react, not need that thing so badly…it’ll all be fine.
Nope. Here’s the thing. Are you getting help? Are you reflecting? Are you journaling about it? Seeing a therapist? Hiring a psychic or a counselor?
Is he? What’s he doing about your relationship? Is he working on it, growing, and reflecting on his own behavior?
The fact is, when we’re being met and matched, it’s like an energetic click and it feels good and mutually up-lifting.
If we’re wondering, debating, second guessing and putting up with stuff, it’s not working sister!
You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If it’s working for you- carry on!
However, if you’re not feelin’ it, you’re not happy, and something’s itching you deep within saying, hmmm…something’s not right…
Then power up to the table, sister. Take your seat as a truth-teller. Share your truth, your wants, your desires.
Then, look closely at his response.
Is he right there with you, feeling you and supporting you like he cares about your needs; while working with you to create a relationship that’s mutually satisfying?
If not, if he deflects, changes the subject, blames, gets defensive, pulls away…then there ya go…pay attention.
In the end, we all have fantasies about relationships. This is human and normal.
Yet, the fulfilling, lasting, real love that we actually crave…it’s under all that guck…it needs us to be real, to show up, to be vulnerable, to tell our truth and hold steady, while our knees shake and all…
…and wait for someone to hold that flame of our truth and keep it lit along with us…
We need and deserve fans of our flames, space holders for our hearts, and deep, real connections that show us we’re loved.
Anything else? Lots of pain, tons of miscommunication and giant heaps of fantasy…that will crumble in the night…
So, sister, if your intuition tells you something…listen…that’s how we honor it and then it grows.
Don’t shhhsh Her…She’s been stuffed down long enough.
Let Her out and you won’t be alone…I promise you…you’ll rise up to the next level and find people who can care for your tender heart in truth and light and deep love because you were willing to do it for yourself, first.
The universe, She’s testing you…and watching very closely. Show her you’re not messin’ around and let her give you what you crave!
If you’re feeling blocked in your relationships, sign up for a free strategy session with me and let’s clear that energy!