In the Raw about Love, Relationships & Belonging

People have told me recently that I don’t seem to share anything personal on my blog anymore. They’re right.

When I first started writing, I told personal stories, related intimate details. I pissed people off. 

So, I quickly reined myself in. I began to be more professional, to offer tips & tricks for living a spiritual life, full of intuitive guidance, but I also shut down sharing a real part of me. 

I love the work I get to do in the world. I love helping people heal, own their power, tap their intuition.

Yet, what I find myself often saying the most to women is, it’s time to be honest, to reveal, to put your cards on the table, and ask for what you desire. 

I coach women to know first what they truly desire, and then from there, remove all the blocks & energy in the way of receiving it.

Yet, here I am, not really laying my cards on the table for this on-line business that I run. I’m limiting what I share. I’m holding back. 

Why? It’s simple.

We hold back for one reason and one reason only. We don’t want to feel vulnerable. We are afraid we’ll be too revealed, people will judge, and we won’t be accepted, loved or liked.

We will cease to belong. 

In my relationships as of late, I am learning that I am a vulnerable, raw, sensitive, little girl. I fear to say too much, say the wrong thing, hurt people I love & lose.

I attempt to contort myself like a circus clown to please you so that you will approve of me. 

I hide my fire, I lessen my intensity, I lighten up my mood, sing & dance & play so that you’ll find me fun, but that will be all. 

Underneath, there is a deep feeling girl who often feels isolated, alone & unloved. She gives & gives to please, but always believes that in the end, you will find fault & leave. 

I have been in the depths of my wounds this last winter and still now in the summer. Though I am having high peaks of ecstasy with lovers & friends, I am too having low valleys with desperate clinging to feel that I am valuable, loved, desired & wanted.

In my struggle, I have been hurt deeply. I have been lied about, shunned, called names, and excluded from friendships & communities I care about. I’ve come face to face with the scared little girl who believes she will be abandoned and left to die.

Along with all that, there is a great longing inside of me to be deeply known & seen. I accept responsibility for the fact that not many people look deeply or seem to want to connect on intimate levels, for it’s scary. 

So, we keep it light, we dance & play & celebrate, and all the while, the dark feminine, the deep, rich, Creatress that is my light & my glory & my vitality, pretends to not be what she is. 

I am a wave of the ocean that feels deep & is big & has power & force. 

I feel deeply. Every day. For the children, the orphans, the animals, the plants, the water, the soil & the guy on the street with the sign, who waits, day after day, for a wave or a dollar.

I yearn so deeply for safety, to feel loved, desired & that I belong. 

I hope that if you know of my past, of where I’ve come & what I’ve lived, that you will embrace me with open arms & acknowledge my journey & inner strength, that I made it out alive, that I am here with such a generous heart after all the pain I’ve seen.

I don’t want you to discard me. To tell me to lighten up. Please don’t tell me to just get over it. Please don’t tell me to just move on and have fun.

Women, I believe, want more than anything to have their feelings cherished. We want someone who shows care by asking deep questions, listening to our feelings, our awarenesses, and answers.

We want to be seen.

I am a vessel of Divine Love, I am a channel for E (energy) Motion (in motion).

I am a wave crashing hard on your shore. I am a cycle of the moon, changing phases. I am the daughter of the wounded warrior & I watched him die.

I mourned the heart break of my mothers, as they cried when they thought no one could hear.

I am the brave daughter, who keeps on walking when the world seems harsh, cold & gray.

I keep love alive in the fire of my bosom, warmth in my heart, passion in my cries & deep love in my soul. I am on, awake, alive & pulsing & I only want to be loved, honored, seen, and held in the night when it’s cold & I am unsure of what it’s all for.

So, if I keep it simple on this blog, if I follow a formula, if I don’t say so much that is personal, it is because I am a deep feeling, soulful woman, and I fear to be too much. 

I want you to see me & know the richest parts of me, but I’ve been told one too many times to keep it light & just have fun. 

So, in my tidal wave crashes timed to the moon & the death of children, in the weeping of women & the fallen soldiers, I smile a fresh smile and give you what you long to see.

The rest, I keep for me. 

I’m still willing to be brave, ask for what I want, but I’m wise enough to know not to cast pearls before swine. I’ve tightened the ship, and I share with people in my inner circle, and not just openly on my blog.

We are lucky to have three, says Brene Brown, in her book, Daring Greatly. Three people who deserve to hear our stories of vulnerability.

Do you have your three? Go deep. Share big. Choose wisely.

XO

Rachel Claire

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