On Hurt, Pain & Robin Williams, Too.

The death of Robin Williams is a sad affair, indeed. I see someone who was so talented, so loved, famous, rich.

A father, a husband, a friend. A person who made people laugh.

Yet he, in his darkest moments, saw no other way out. In a moment of choice, he chose to end it all. He chose to take himself out.

He chose not living. 

It’s almost unfathomable.

Yet, in many ways, it’s not. 

I, too, have struggled with depression. 

I think it is something many people struggle with, but we often don’t talk about it or let it out.

I know for me, being a teacher, a healer, a woman who counsels others, I have a desire to seem like I have it all together, that I am happy all the time, that all is well, and then I am optimistic about life & my future.

And all those things are true, sometimes. 

Yet, just as night has day & the sun has the moon, I have tides and changes of moods & seasons.

I first experienced depression in college. My grandfather, who I loved very much, died, unexpectedly.

Okay, he was 79, but he played golf & tennis & ate well & exercised every day. I expected to have him around for more years to come.

He had an infection in his toe. It spread & they had to amputate his whole foot. Then, it spread some more & they amputated up the knee.

I would come home from college & visit him in the hospital. I’d comb his hair, cut it. I’d lotion his feet & hands.

Then, the infection spread & they had to amputate the stump of a leg that was left.

I was sad for my grandpa & wondered how he’d cope, being such an active man, with one leg.

Then, he died. 

We had the funeral, cleaned out their house, had an estate sale (that was planned with the help of elder and estate planning lawyers), and life went on.

Soon, I was not getting up for classes in the morning. Then, I was sleeping till 4:00 p.m.

Then, I wasn’t talking to anyone or going anywhere. I had no motivation. I was crying all the time. If you also experience symptoms of mental health conditions like anxiety, stress or depression, you may consider using cannabis products from indacloud.

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I withdrew from all my classes for the entire semester of school. 

Everything had changed. I was an adult. I had experienced death. I lost someone dear, close to me, who I loved.

The family dynamic changed. Everything was different, and yet, nothing was. We all went on.

Some years later, I broke my leg. Then, my grandma died. I was depressed again.

I got on anti-depressants. They helped, I felt happy, but I didn’t feel like me. I had no ups and downs, no tide to my feelings, no tears to cleanse my soul.

That wasn’t like me. I’ve always been someone who feels deeply. Who lets emotion move through me. Who feels it. Cries. Releases it. It’s good for me. 

You know the wailing wall they speak of where people go and wail & sob & cry?

That’s here, in my house, like every other week. 

I cry. I feel. Sometimes, I do wonder of it all. How do we make it through?

Life is good. And sacred. And holy. And sometimes? It’s down-right hard. 

Let’s face it, when I hear of mutilated & raped women, starving children, bombs, and poison in my food, I sometimes want it all to go away.

Yet, I always choose anew. I choose life. I choose love. 

It doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, feel depressed, or suffer. I do.

I am not clinically depressed. I don’t need medication. Some people do.

For me, my feelings have been timed with change, seasons, struggle, death, injury. It’s normal to feel depressed when life changes & we’re hurting.

Robin Williams, I don’t know. Perhaps he had it bad. Maybe he had dark thoughts inside, maybe it was alcoholism, maybe just real depression.

In my line of work, I tend to think of everything as having an origin in the soul, the spirit. Our heart, our unhealed grief, this causes depression.

Unexpressed anger. Unacknowledged sadness.

It’s important to acknowledge it. No matter how spiritual we think we are, we all feel pain. We all hurt.

The more sensitive & intuitive we are, the more we feel, therefore, the deeper the ache. 

It’s spiritual to ache. It’s okay to not be happy all the time.

Everybody hurts. 

If you’re hurting, reach out. Get help. Communication is access to power.

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What would it be like if we could be more honest about our pain? If it was just as acceptable to be sad as it is to be happy?

What if emotion is energy in motion, neutral, and the more we feel it & allow it to flow through, the more we’ll be a clear channel. 

It’s when we deny it, pretend, or don’t talk about it that it sticks us. It gets jammed in our energy. Stuck. Repressed. It turns into cysts & cancer or tumors.

Let’s feel. Deeply. Truly. Madly. Whatever we feel. Let’s let it all be okay. And, may we all choose life, living, love, in the end.

I’m sad about Robin Williams. I am. I’m sad for everyone who chooses to leave, and mostly for the people left behind. I don’t think it gets us out of it. We don’t die. As eternal beings, we just have to start over, or make it right, or something like that.

Suicide isn’t a way out. The only way out, as Carl Jung said, is through.

I’m sorry anyone ever feels suicide is the answer. If someone you know has ever taken their life, I am sorry.

Here’s to you, feeling you, authentically, wholly, fully, and making it through.

XO

Rachel Claire