I must have gotten that from my therapist. It seems no matter where we start, when I’m sitting upon her couch, we end up with me realizing the pain it has been spending my whole life trying to please people who were unpleasable.
Last time I was in her office, she had me close my eyes, sit mindfully, and tune into the energy of me that has been driving the show. It felt like the controlling part of me.
You see, there are two sides. One is the feminine, flowing, receiving Rachel. She is dreamy, romantic, creative, loving and full of grace.
The other is the controlling, dominating, work-aholic Rachel who tries to hammer round pegs into square holes.
As I sat with the sensations in my body, and tuned into that part of me that tries to dominate, I saw a vision of myself as a young girl in the house where I lived between the ages of 3 and 6.
I was in my room, alone, and feeling heartbroken. I had the sensation of banging my head against the wall.
I realized that for me, a sensitive young being, still so connected to source and spirit, I felt ease, grace, no effort. I was tuned into that part of me, the Divine part, that is holy capable, fully prosperous.
It seemed that the adults around me wanted me to do for them, to do things their way, to please them. And they thought it should take effort on my part. It had to look a certain way.
Me, giving up my knowing of how easy and graceful life is, how effortlessly we can create what we desire, tried to fit myself into the mold demanded by these adults, who had long forgotten who they really are.
It was maddening. It was truly like banging my head into a wall.
I realized, then and there, on her couch, that I had given up that part of me to fit in to the strange and hard world of the adults around me.
In Shamanism, they call this soul loss. When we lose a part of our knowing, our God-given gifts, and we give up a right that we were born with, to fit in and please others.
I know that as a wee child, I had all my psychic capabilities about me. I remember smelling strongly. Seeing truth. Knowing things. Sensing.
Have you seen the movie Lucy? My psychic abilities remind me of this movie. Other people just see what’s on the surface, and people who are using all their abilities and are aware of their psychic senses- they see all this other stuff going on.
They see things like the webs that connect us all, the energy around a situation, how people are really being vs. what they are saying.
That’s why I felt so unloved and isolated and different growing up. I always seemed to be aware of things that others weren’t. When someones energy was “off” to me, I knew it, and when others acted like everything was normal, I began to question what was wrong with me.
I think long ago I gave up some of my gifts just to fit in. After awhile of noticing so much truth going on in a situation, when other’s seem deaf and blind to it, one begins to just shut down that part. For to open to it is vulnerable, scary.
We fear we will be left, rejected, alone. We fear we’ll be different and not fit in. Yet, I think these changing times are more about finding that open-hearted, centered space within- of courage, that expands and grows even in the face of fear and feelings of being too extended, too open.
That’s the whole point of this journey. To stay open- even when we’re scared and our hearts are breaking and it looks like we’re not going to get what we want. We have to strike a balance between being ourselves- no one and nothing else– not abandoning who and what we really are to please others, but rather, showing up, FULLY, heart-open, and growing and expanding in LOVE.
That’s when freedom comes. A freedom beyond what we’ve ever known. A heart-opening, mind-blowing, soul growing experience that launches us to a new level of awareness for what’s possible.
I love you- go be open and heart-centered and expand into who you are, share that with the world.
On the walk, everyone says, “Buen Camino.” Have a good way.
I wish you a good way. A heart fulfilling journey full of love & peace.
Above all else, I hope you’ll be you. Buen Camino, my love. Buen Camino.
I love you.
P.S. Not sure if you’re a pleaser? Check out this great article, “13 Approval Seeking Behaviors You Need to Stop.“