The other night, while the temperatures outside dropped to below zero, I received a phone call from a beloved brother. He had a thing or two on his mind about what he’s noticed with the single women in our tribe. I lent my ear and listened with compassion and humor as I chuckled and laughed at his rendition of life on the single scene as a thirty-something.
Often when we laugh, it is a laugh of recognition. Indeed, I could relate to what he shared.
I could also hear his big commitment in the background, to have conscious relationships where we are relating authentically, openly and honestly with one another.
From his sharing, and from the themes from my clients, I can see the three common mistakes single women make with men and I’d like to share them with you today.
Here is the first mistake some women make with men:
1. Expect him to be your Prince Charming.
The problem here is that many women (myself included) have had a false sense of what a man’s attention should be like, and we have inherited false ideas about what we will feel like when we meet “The one.”
On some level, deep down, we expect that he’ll proclaim his love for us, protect us and provide for us, as we saunter off into the sunset to live happily ever after.
I know, I know, many women are sophisticated today, educated, and you might be thinking, “I don’t think that!”
I invite you to look a bit closer and see, how affected are you by the media and movies you’ve consumed since you were a wee child?
What do you expect from a man?
The truth is that the genders are finding their way in a new paradigm. What worked for people in the past no longer works and the brainwashing of Walt Disney movies have taken their toll. We are in a phase of un-doing of sorts, of allowing facades and fantasies to fall away, in place of grounded and solid platforms that are mature and can really support two people relating.
Women long for a soulmate that will provide for all of their needs, spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically. Yet, can one person really fulfill all of our needs?
We have to become clear within our own heart’s and minds about what we really value, what’s at the top of the list as far as needs and proceed accordingly.
For example, I really value spirituality. I want a relationship with a man who is open-minded, has a faith, a practice, something he believes in and a higher power he turns to.
I also want someone who values themselves; therefore, they care for themselves by exercising, eating well, meditating and doing things they love.
Thirdly, I want to be with someone who is sensitive and kind, a warm and loving person. Finally, I really want to be with someone who wants family, children, and monogamy.
For different phases in our lives, we desire different things.
At this point in my life, these are the most important. Therefore, I can compromise on some of the other areas, like vocation, money, love of nature, education or background, so long as spirituality and warmth are met.
Or, I can choose to negotiate and have the top one or two met through a lover, and the other needs met through friends, community and groups.
The more we view the world through a lense of taking responsibility for our own needs being met, and as we actively seek to have those needs met consciously through our communities, then we alleviate pressure in our intimate partnerships and can love and appreciate the beings we are dating in a healthy way without so much pressure and expectation.
A good question here to ask ourselves is this: What am I expecting him to give me that I’m not giving myself?
This leads me to the second mistake women make.
2. Don’t know your values:
We don’t know what our values are, what we won’t settle on, and what’s negotiable. So, we find a man, and then we do not communicate clearly and openly, about what we want and need.
Getting clear on what you want is key, and then really holding the boundary is essential, if you’re serious. (But you have to first make sure you’ve actively worked on giving this *thing* you want to yourself, first.)
So, we can’t go around wishing for a prince to make it all okay, and not be clear on our values, and not communicate our needs, and then wonder what happened when they leave.
If you don’t have any boundaries or non-negotiables, then you will be used and encroached upon and you’ll over-give and then feel resentful.
You have to know what you want and you have to be willing to say it aloud to the person you’re dating, when the timing is right.
You have to say, I want a partner, I want monogamy, I want marriage, I want children, I value health and someone who is educated and has their finances together. You can say, I don’t expect it to be with you right now, but that’s the path I am on.
Then, you have to be willing to actually WALK AWAY when those needs are not met.
Now, here’s the catch.
Sometimes, we didn’t know we had a boundary there until it was crossed.
If we’re dating someone who crosses a boundary and we communicate that and their response is kind and mature and you work it out together to make a new agreement and hold that boundary, then that’s great!
In that case, you can learn and negotiate, but you have look closely at your needs, what’s worth “dying on the hill” for and what’s not. But, when it is a BIG DEAL to you, you’ve got to cut your ties and move on.
The problem here is that perhaps we do not know what we want.
If we are attracting from a wounded place and we are escaping being lonely, we will not dig in and find out about the other person and make an honest assessmment about whether or not we are compatible on all the levels we desire.
Essentially, we will settle. Then, later, we are disappointed when we see the reality of our relationship after the love hormones have worn off. (Which can take two years.) So, we end up resentful and angry with a man we thought was going to solve all of our hurt.
To solve this problem, we have to go into relationship with eyes wide open, knowing our deal breakers and bottom lines, knowing what we value most in a relationship and where we can make concessions.
Then, when those boundaries are crossed, we have to be strong enough to exit, to say thank you, you’re a nice person, but I’m leaving.
We women, often wanting to people please and care-take, have a hard time cutting off our hearts, but we must.
So often we want to believe, so we ignore all the signs, we negotiate our non-negotiables and we forget that the first two years of a relationship we are under the influence of drug hormones, so we skip having VERY important dialogues that we could be having UP FRONT.
Finally, the third mistake single women make is as follows:
3. We don’t seek help.
Entering into relationship brings up our wounds and hurts. If you are in a relationship, it is vital that you have regular, healthy practices to help move your relationship along in a healthy way. If your relationship is full of fighting, then you need some tools.
So often people don’t seek help. Whether it’s pride, or the excuse of “not enough money,” well-meaning people allow their lives to be full of violence, drama, hurt and heartache, rather than learning through the counsel and skill of a well-trained person.
We’ve got to get over whatever is in the way of reaching out for help, being vulnerable and learning how to make it through the most important thing in our lives, our relationships.
Often, what’s in the way is shame. If you’re dating someone you know is beneath you (as far as not meeting your needs) or you are experiencing domestic violence, it is hard to reach out, tell the truth and be witnessed. But, you can’t go it alone and wishing and hoping won’t change a dynamic at play.
If you are suffering silently in your relationships, if you are struggling to change a dynamic, get out, or attract a healthy love, then I’d love to serve you!
You are not alone, there is help and you can change your life!
Download the report above and apply for a FREE strategy session.
Together, we’ll get to the heart of your matters and the healing can begin.
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