We fear that we may lose the other person, or, that we’ll be judged. We’d rather die than have people not like us, or come off as needy.
The fact is, many of us grew up in homes where we tried to please one or both of our parents and it didn’t work.
As adults, we attempt to continue to try to please people all around us to the detriment of our health, energy, boundaries and well-being.
We end up tired, frustrated, sick or overwhelmed. We feel resentful. We wonder why we take care of so many others and yet receive so little in return.
The truth here is that people pleasers like you and me are so trained to care for others, and give, that we don’t know how to receive. So, we energetically attract takers and then we blame them.
We have to own that we are responsible for the circumstances of our lives. We have to know that we attract what we are a vibratory match for and that if we don’t like what we see in the outer world, we have to get honest and real with ourselves about our thinking, our habits and our patterns.
I think many women need to get really vigilant about who they spend their time with.
If your friends are only in your life because of what you do for them, then it’s time to take a look at that.
Examine your relationships. Are they energetically even? Do you surround yourself with people who need you, use you, or are in your life mainly because of what you do for them?
If we have a belief system running the show, if we have a pattern at play that attracts people who don’t value us because we don’t value ourselves, we have to look at that and own it for it to heal.
Often, we don’t want to acknowledge patterns, or really see what’s going on because we fear we will lose the only people we have in our lives.
We are afraid at our core that we are unlovable and worthless and that we have nothing to offer, so we desperately over-give to others to prove our value and that we are needed.
The bottom line is that we have to be willing to face the cold, stark reality that those feelings of worthlessness and lack are there. They may be unconscious and subtle, but they are there. We all face inner “gremlins” that speak to us in negative ways.
We feel worthless. We lack value. We over-give and we can stop it.
The true power lies in facing the fear of letting go, in allowing people to leave, in standing up and seeing the truth, whatever it is, and owning it.
The truth is, you can love and you can let go.
You can handle your life. You can make it through whatever trials you face and you are never really alone.
Beyond that, a deeper truth is that if you have these wounds, this is part of your path in life– you must heal those wounds. You must also recognize that he didn’t cause them, they were there long before, they originated with a parent and once you go deep and feel the scary places of hurt and abandonment, it will get easier and you can change who you attract; but you can’t postpone healing this original wound.
Once we go through the darkness of releasing that which doesn’t serve and we open to seeing the truth, then we heal. Those old feelings and old belief systems go away, for they are just energy– and that energy, once faced, has no power over us.
So, if we want family like friends and true tribe and real love, then we have to give it to ourselves.
And more than that, we have to take action in our life consistent with our desires. We have to follow the pull of what we want, even when it is scary and we have to practice giving ourselves what we long for.
This includes speaking our truth.
So often we’ve been so trained to please and be nice that we don’t know how to say, “No.” Or, we don’t know how to say, “I don’t want to do that, thanks.” Or, we don’t know how to say, “I’m not feeling happy, this isn’t working for me.”
Or, the BIG one of relationships, “What about me?”
When we are in partnerships, we have to define it, and if we’re serious and we want to live together, or marry and move forward, then we have to communicate and make decisions together.
If one person is often away, lives in another state, isn’t available, or won’t talk through things that matter to us, we have to own that our needs aren’t being met.
We have to put a stake in the ground and be willing to say, “What about me?”
We have to value ourselves and to do that we have to show up, lay our cards on the table, practice voicing our needs and be willing to recognize that we do matter, we are important and as such, it is OKAY TO HAVE NEEDS!
The number one mistake women make in relationships is not showing up and voicing their needs!
So, to summarize, the two things women must do to heal and attract a healthy relationship are:
1. Heal your original wound.
Whether with a therapist, healer, counselor, or in Shamanic work, or however you choose to heal, you’ve got to take on that original wound and feel the deep pain. It’s uncomfortable and it hurts and it takes time. You can’t over-eat, numb out with drugs, drink, or veg out on the TV or surfing the web. You’ve got to go into the depths of the shadows, but that’s where your greatest light resides, that’s where you find the gem of your life.
2. Voice Your Needs.
What are your needs in relationship? What do you value? You’ve got to know what they are to show up and voice them. You have to risk pissing people off, getting rejected and being left. You have to grow up and reparent yourself and own that it’s not that guy, or that woman, but it’s your wound, your original medicine to heal and then use that as a catalyst to teach and heal others. While you’re practicing asking for what you want, begin accepting what you receive.
I’d love to hear from you. Let’s start a dialogue. Leave a comment below and tell me what lessons you’ve learned in your relationships. What scary things have you learned to say? How have you healed your core wound? Also, if you enjoyed this post and gained value, please share it!
If you’d like support to open your heart and your voice as you risk showing up and being seen more in your relationships, I’d love to serve you. Download my free report up above and apply for a free strategy session. You can also read this blog post by Hilda Wong on what women should do in relationships.
To your truth,